Debbie and Thurston Part Two: Switzerland

*This post is about my mom and nephew's trip to Germany. The following is their account of what we did and how they felt.*

Thurston's thoughts are written in red. 

Tuesday 7/1 Left for Switzerland. Our first stop was the Rheinfall, just past the Switzerland/Germany border, which was beautiful.  We didn’t pay to actually go right to the falls but what we saw was really neat.

Then off to Beata and Walti’s so they could show us the way to their Swiss Chalet where we would be staying. 

*Click Here to read about who Walti and Beata are and how we know them*

The road up the mountain, to the chalet, was very, very, very narrow and windy.  To top it off people in Europe drive super fast, plus bike riders and walkers are all over the place.

The view is spectacular.  Our Chalet is awesome.  Several steps just to get up to it since we park in a garage on the road.

Walti & Beata were very nice to let us stay in their house. I absolutely loved the ping pong table and the view. The TV I had to get use to because it was all in Swiss German which was very interesting.   

Wednesday 7/2 Walti took us to the Aare Gorge in Haslital, a large valley in the central alps. We had no idea what it was or what to expect. So we pay and head out the back way only to see walkways that are built on the edge of this mountain.  We had so much scary-fun but it was breathtaking.  Thurston was having fun too. It even had caves we went through. Walti waited for us on the other side then he took Josh to go back and get their car. Walti was amazing…ever so patient.
The Gorge was a beautiful place and I loved the view. The walkway was very very scary because I almost fell off. The caves were full of water so every 2 steps a drip of water would land on you.

We then went to a mirror maze and museum in Luzern. 

The mirror maze was freaking me out. I had to stay close to Alethea because I started to panic. Saw Thurston at what looked like the end but, no he, was somewhere else, hahaha.  He enjoyed this so much he went through again.
The mirror maze had us all fooled. I kept running into the mirrors which hurt a little bit but turned out to be a great time for all of us.

                Fun tricks with the mirrors, had us all laughing. 

Thursday 7/3 Mt Pilatus here we come (7,000 ft high).  My Grandma Guenther use to walk up this when she was younger.  Can’t even imagine it.  We, however, took the gondola ride up which I was fearing. It was fine except just once when it shot us out of the station into clouds and dipped down – Yikes.  We had our packed lunch up there and enjoyed the view.  Walked around and took it all in.

 

 Before we left a man was standing on the mountain with his alphorn.  After awhile he played it-what an experience to hear that echo in the mountains.  He was a really nice man.
This guy was outstanding. His music was so so beautiful. 

After being up there we went to the toboggan run.  Everyone but Alethea and I went on it.  Thurston had fun and he went very fast. Joslyn was next going very slow with Josh & Kyla coming up the back.  Josh kept telling Joslyn to hurry up!
There are ups and downs to the toboggan run upside its really fun downside there are no seat belts so therefore I fell off and hit my head on the metal and got a scrape.

Oh and this was day 3 out of 4 that we ate sacked lunches – PB&J’s oh my!!!!  It is too expensive to eat out in Switzerland so we made due. I forgot to tell Alethea in time that if we picnic its suppose to be fried chicken, right mom and dad?

That evening we went back to Beata and Walti’s for dinner of corn on the cob, cole slaw, ribs and sausage.  Yes I ate all of it and it was very good.  Thurston had an Uncrustable, corn on the cob and chips.

Beata then brought out the best ever ice cream bars – triple chocolate.  Yum YumYum.

We got to hear so many great stories from them and really enjoyed the story of how Walti and Beata met. You can still see the love they have for each other. I showed them pictures of my grandma from the 1970’s when she, my parents and Aunt visited.  There also was one picture of my grandma with her old boyfriend Sepp (Walti’s grandpa).  Reminising was so much fun.  We talked about when Walti’s dad and mom, Sepp and Martle, came to Washington in their camper. I was in high school so I took my girlfriend Rhonda Hahner (Prentiss) along to Nebraska for our family reunion. We had so much fun. 

At one point Walti disappeared for about ½ hour. When he showed up again he said he was in the hammock with Kyla and she was singing to him. Walti enjoys the kids so much.

We started talking about how I hadn’t seen any cows, heard the bells but no cows up close. Walti laughed because in Switzerland they have cows up high in the mountains right now. There is even a farm down below our Chalet but I never saw any cows. 

He decided we needed to go “cow hunting” because we could hear the bells behind their house. 

We walked a ways and came to a house with cows and Walti asked them if we could go see them. Naturally the Swiss got a kick out of this – silly Americans! So the farmer shut the electric fence off and up this hill we went. There were so many dips that I had a real hard time walking.

Walti came to my rescue and took my arm and helped me up the rest of the way. Walti had to help me go down the hill too.  What a gentleman he was/is.

Now I saw my Swiss cows with the bells on – so amazing – I loved it.

After spending time with the cows we walked to the end of the road and looked over out on the water. On the way back we passed where the farmer was and sure enough the cows had all come down the hill now…go figure!!! 

Back at their place, we sat and watched the sunset behind Mt. Pilatus.

  

Friday 7/4 Leaving our nice Swiss Chalet and headed into Hergiswil to see Sepp’s place (grandma’s old boyfriend).  Found his house which is still in the family, took some pictures and what a memory – my grandma had come there to see Zepp after many years (this was the 1972 trip with my parents and aunt).

Next stop is Monkey Mountain near Bodensee. We got to go inside a huge enclosed area where the monkeys roam around. We got a handful of popcorn and could only feed them if they sat on the wooden rails. Couldn’t feed the mothers with babies. We had to extend our arms and give them only one or two pieces plus hide the rest behind our backs. Couldn’t take in backpacks because they are very smart and might attack us, thinking we had more food. It was so much fun and they took the popcorn from our hands so gently.  What a great experience. They also had deer in another open enclosure.
I really enjoyed feeding the monkeys they grabbed the popcorn so gently.

Debbie and Thurston Part One

*This post is about my mom and nephew's trip to Germany. The following is their account of what we did and how they felt.*

Thurston's thoughts are written in red. 

Tuesday 6/24 left for Germany.  Flight from Spokane to Minneapolis had lots of turbulence. So bad that drinks were flying everywhere – what a mess. Otherwise not too bad. After the flight Thurston was able to meet the pilot and sit in her seat. The pilot was really nice.

Wednesday 6/25 arrived, got our luggage and no Horning family…WHAT??? They are always on time.  We waited and got concerned we were in the wrong area.  About 15 min. later here comes Alethea running but she was all alone.  The rest of the family was stuck in traffic so she bailed on them and ran all the way to the airport. Got our passes to get access to the military bases and we stayed home the rest of the day.
I went to the park and played basketball and made friends.

Thursday 6/26 ran errands since I was still getting over the jet lag.  It wasn’t too bad but I was a bit tired. We went to a farm and bought fresh milk from a vending machine. 
I was scared to try it at first because it came out of a vending machine but after trying it, it is the best milk in the world.

Friday 6/27 To a pool in Fellbach.  Warm one inside and another with a diving board.  Also, a kiddie pool and regular pool outside.  Alethea and I stayed inside most of the time in the nice warm pool with Kyla while Joslyn, Thurston and Josh went outside to the pool slide. 
I loved the slide and the diving board.  The water was very warm.

When we got home Thurston took a 4 hr nap.  I’m sure some was jet lag too.

Saturday 6/28 Off to see a castle called Schloss Lichtenstein.  We took a half hour tour – in German!! But we did have a print out in English to read as we went along.  Very interesting.
I thought the castle was unique.  I liked the swords.

We then stopped at a park to do a zip line.  It was raining outside but we went anyway and had a blast. 

 

I even went on it!  Nobody else was there so we enjoyed it.

It was hard to hold on but I did it and Uncle Josh pushed me really fast!!

Sunday 6/29 Spent the afternoon at church then went to a German restaurant.  I had the Schnitzel (thin fried pork) and Pommes Frites (french fries) – Yummy!!!  Thurston had a grilled chicken and fries – ate some of it.  I also tried Alethea’s Maultaschen (ravioli) soup – Yuck and their pastor’s Flammkuchen  (thin pizza with cream sauce, green onions and ham) – OK.

I played marbles with the kids and watched them at the park.  It is so neat to be in a different country and watch the customs.

Monday 6/30 Went to a German grocery store called Edeka.  It has two levels.  We parked in a garage and once inside used a moving escalator to go from level to level and yes with our cart..what a kick.  Also to get the cart Alethea put a Euro coin in a slot attached to the cart which is chained to each other. The cart then comes out – to get your Euro back you have to chain the cart to the other carts and the Euro comes out so you can use it over and over.  This means no deserted carts in the parking lot. I am loving these customs. I thought the escalators were really cool. 

Germans are very environmentally friendly and only use reusable bags. If you forget your bag(s) you  pay for them (they usually range from 10 cent Euro - 1.50 Euro...around 20 cents - $2 per bag!) Many locals just put their groceries (not bagged) back into their shopping cart and take them out to their car which is usually equipped with special separators in their trunk. You are responsible for bagging your own groceries and the exchange of money is not done hand-to-hand. You place your money on a little tray and the cashier will take it. Your receipt is usually thrown down on the counter and very rarely into your hands. 

Life in Germany-1 1/2 Years Later

Today is our 1/2 way mark of living in Germany. The first 6 months were exciting and fun as we explored places. The following 6 months were extremely tough with my brother’s death. I pretty much hated it here and wanted nothing more than to be with my family in the states. The last 6 months have been much better. In fact, as I sit here today, I am sad we only have 1 1/2 years left. There is still too much to see and do and not enough time. I have made amazing friends, found a church that has challenged me in ways I did not think possible and my relationship with Josh and the girls is stronger than ever!

Things have not been easy here and I know I have some bad days ahead of me but God has never left my side. My friends back in the states often comment on how surprised they are that I am traveling, making friends, going to local fests, etc. That does not come from me at all. After it got real that, we were moving here, I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I knew myself and my shy, introvert, pessimistic attitude would make 3 years in Germany a horrible experience. I knew my husband deserved better seen how all he ever wanted out of the Air Force was to travel and see the world. Besides 7 deployments, all the AF gave him was Washington State. So after countless prayers of having an open mind and heart to this move, a calmness filled me. Yes, I was still scared and nervous but I knew it would be okay. God is by my side all the time and with Him, anything is possible.

There have many times, especially after Jason died, that I did not want to hang out with people and I just felt miserable and depressed. I was mad at God for many things, I was mad I was stuck in Germany when all I wanted was to be with my parents and friendships I once had in the states quickly started to vanish. It was a lonely, hard time in my life and once again, all I could do was pray. I prayed and prayed for God to give me peace. It has took some time but I do have peace. I may not have understanding about things that have happened but I have peace that it is all good because of God, after all Romans 8:28 tells me that (And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ESV).

So much good has come out of our time here. Many of Josh's deployments were to exotic, fun places and he would come back home and say how he wished I could have been there with him. Well, the old Alethea never wanted to travel and I was thankful he went by himself! Now that I am a changed woman, I love traveling. I love that in 1 1/2 years Josh, the girls and myself have seen places I had only read or heard about. We are beyond blessed at our timing of being stationed here. We are financially able to travel and while we may not leave Germany with a fat savings account, we are leaving with a fat memory full of amazing places. I have a different perspective on life after living here and seeing the places we have. The world is so much bigger than I ever realized and that has changed my outlook on life. I am excited for the next 1 1/2 years and the places we will see but I am scared that next June/July someone will have to force me on a plane out of here!

Figuring Things Out

After a loved one dies, no one ever tells you how you answer certain questions. For me those questions usually come from medical professionals regarding my family history of things. Immediately after returning home from my brother's memorial, I was at the doctor when asked how many siblings I had and if they were healthy. The new doctor was so nice and kind as I stumbled through an answer something like, "Um, yeah, well no, well yeah I do, but no I don't. Um, I don't know, I did have a brother, I mean I do have a brother but no, I mean I did. I don't know he died 3 weeks ago." Here I am 10 1/2 months later and I still struggle. Just the other day I was filling out paperwork for something and it asked for my parents and siblings names, where they live and occupation. I froze. I cried. I panicked. I still did not know what to write. I did have a brother for 31 years of my life. How do I not put him down? By not putting him down it is as if he did not exist in this world but he did. For 34 years and 4 days, he existed on this earth. Ultimately, I left it blank and it looked as if I was an only child.

No one ever tells you how to handle those and other types of circumstances. Today, as we approach the New Year, I was filling out my 2014 calendar (yes I use an old school wall calendar and I write on it!). I flipped to the dreadful yet happy month of February. Feb 4th-Joslyn's birthday. Feb 8th-my niece Carleigh's birthday. Feb 24th-my nephew Thurston's birthday. Those are all great, happy days for me to remember and it was very easy to jot down those birthday reminders on the little squares. Then this dreaded span of 4 days stared back at me. The 12-16th. Feb 12th would be Jason's 35th birthday. A time for me to make another video of the girls, singing to him or doing something that would make him giggle. A time for me to joke about how old he was. A time for me to listen to him laugh then come right back at me with some smart aleck remark meant to burn me. We would laugh and make fun of each other because sarcasm was how we showed each other love. Two days later another day stared back at me. The day that lovers celebrate their love, a day that my sister-in-law will always remember, as this coming years Valentine's Day would have been their 11th wedding anniversary. As I, and many others, celebrate our love for our spouses that day, she will not be able to do that in the same way. Then the most dreaded day of all, Feb 16th. The day I received the horrible news of Jason's death. The day that forever changed how I view life, view family, view friendships and view God. Do I write on those 3 days? Do I write down his would-be 35th birthday, as if I would ever forget his birthday which was on Abraham Lincoln's birthday? Do I write down his would-be anniversary as if I could ever forget his wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day, the same year Josh and I married? Do I write down when he died as if I will ever forget that day? I know there is no right or wrong answer to this and it is just on what feels right for me but I really wish it came easier to me. For now, those 3 days are blank on my calendar as I have those dates permanently scribbled in my head.

As I face these questions and am put in these circumstances, it makes me realize just how many family and friends of mine are facing similar struggles all the time. Whether it is a loss of their spouse, a sibling, a parent or child. It is never easy to refer to your loved one in past tense or to not include them when asked certain questions. I have also realized that even though Jason's life has stopped, his memory will live on in the many people who loved him. It does not matter if my doctor's note says I had no siblings, I know I had a brother and that is all that matters.

A Glimpse Into Heaven

Many of you reading this know my struggles over the past 8 months since my brother, Jason, died. My biggest struggle was his faith. Being a Christian I believe in Heaven and hell and I believe you have to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior to go to Heaven. A few months after his death I began hearing stories about things he did and said in the months leading up to his death and I started to believe he could be in Heaven. There was still something holding me back from completely believing he is in Heaven. I hate admitting that because #1 I'm not the judge so it's not my place to decide or think where someone else belongs and #2 What a cruddy sister I was for having such bad thoughts of my brother of possibly being in hell. Over this past year, I have learned to bring my problems, fears and questions to God. I prayed and prayed asking God to help me be at peace with Jason's death. It didn't happen immediately but God did answer my prayers.

It was the end of July and I had a dream. It was one of those dreams you can remember and can still feel days after it happening. There was a big presence/figure in my dream. It didn't look like anyone in particular but somehow I recognized this presence as my brother. For a lot of my brother's adult life he was a big man, like 300+ pounds and over 6 feet tall. I always felt "safe" next to him because of how small I was compared to him and I felt that same way next to my brother in my dream. I remember everything was white in my dream, including Jason. It wasn't a dull white but insanely bright white. I remember being fascinated that I was able to see clearly without squinting or wearing sunglasses, that's how bright it was. I remember telling my brother something that was going on in my life (I think it was about the girls starting school soon) and he chuckled, the same chuckle he had on earth, and said sarcastically, "Yeah, I know" and he chuckled again. It was with that sarcastic remark that I knew it was my brother! I remember him being so happy. When Jason was alive, he would have many moments of happiness and smiles. However, those moments didn't always last long and he would soon look depressed. In this dream, he never lost his happiness. I remember thinking how great it was to see him happy and smiling all the time again. Then the best part of the dream was when he said, "Come on, I want to show you around my new home." That was it and I woke up.

I woke up with a comfort I hadn't felt since he died. It was this calming feeling that took over my body and I felt great. Of course I over analyzed it and decided the dream must not have meant anything it was merely my subconscious trying to find comfort. I briefly mentioned my dream to a friend of mine who has experienced many dreams since her dad died earlier this year. She thought my dream had a lot of meaning but being the good friend she is, she knew I would need to figure it out on my own. I spent the next couple of weeks really struggling with knowing how to decipher whether a dream is from God or not.

A couple weeks after my dream, I got a card in the mail from my mom. In it she wrote down this dream she had but after I read it, I told Josh I was concerned about her because the card didn't make sense. I put the card aside and purposely didn't ask her about it (sorry mom!) because it was bizarre. Well, we were talking a couple weeks later and I told her I was struggling with a dream I had because I wasn't sure how to know if was from God or not. As I'm telling her about my dream, she starts freaking out and crying. She then yells at me, "DID YOU NOT READ MY CARD I SENT YOU?!?!?" She then explained to me that I was describing her dream, she just couldn't figure out how to put it all into words. We bawled and bawled as we shared our dreams to one another. Sure enough, I went back and re-read the card and it blew me away as it finally made sense what she was trying to write. She wrote that Jason was talking and laughing, he was white and wearing a white shirt and he was smiling so much. My mom woke up and wasn't scared, and could still remember the dream days after it happened. There were some differences in our dreams about the appearance of Jason (he was big to me like when he was an adult but in my mom's dream he was thinner with not a lot of facial hair like when he was a teenager). There were also other people in my mom's dream whereas my dream it was just Jason and I.

Regardless of our differences, it was obvious to me that our similarities were too close to dismiss. That is what I needed in order to erase any doubt I had about where Jason was. After looking back on when my mom sent her card and when I had my dream, it looks like we had our dreams within days of each other!

God answered my prayers and he gave me peace with the thing that has been the hardest for me since Jason died. Not only do I have comfort knowing my brother and I will see each other again and that he is so happy now, but I also got a mini-tour of my future home. 

The Proof

Last night I received in the mail copies of my brother's autopsy and toxicology reports. The reports came back about 8 weeks after he died so I have known since then how he died. The reports did not show me anything I did not already know and honestly, they were not very hard to look at. I think I was more fascinated with how thorough the reports are. They do not leave any detail out about the person's body, internal or external. Even though they were not hard to read or look at, something still felt strange. I realized it was because this was my "proof." I was not there in the hours after my brother died to see him or hold him as my parents were. Before his cremation, I chose not to view his body. I know very well that my brother is dead; I did not need to see his body to know that. In fact, when my mom called to tell me he passed immediately after hearing, "Jason is dead" I crumbled. My whole body, mentally and physically, reacted. I knew he was dead because I felt it. However, seeing the proof in writing really finalized everything I already knew.

The proof of his death came just hours after sitting around my kitchen table and talking with 3 other families about my journey to Christ. I was not raised in the church and really only knew a tiny bit about God as a child. My Grandpa Dick and Grandma Betty have always been the consistent Christian figure in my life. Leading just by example, they showed me a life and marriage led by Christ. Neither of them ever scolded me or told me that I was living the wrong way or that I was going to hell. Instead, they planted the seed in my heart and let God handle the rest. I have said that I always knew and believed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior; it just took me up until a few years ago to follow the voice in my heart and to follow Christ. I do not need proof of Jesus because the proof is in my life. I do not need to physically see Him because I feel Him, just as I knew my brother was dead without having to physically see him. What I am most happy about is that my hardcore, physical proof of Jesus will come one day. That day will finalize everything I have always known. Oh what a day that will be when I stand face-to-face with my Father!

 *Side note: When I asked my sister-in-law about how my brother felt about God, she replied, "He always believed." I truly believe that same seed was planted into my brother and there are quite a few other things leading up to his death that make me believe he was starting to listen to his heart.*

National Grief Awareness Day 2013

Today is National Grief Awareness Day. It's a day to raise awareness of grief and to not hide from it. It's a day to show others that they aren't alone and that it is OK to grieve, even if society says it's not. I debated back and forth about writing something today. I've already wrote a few blogs on my grief and what has and hasn't helped me since my brother, Jason, died. I'm an open book about my feelings in writing and in person. I never shy away from talking about my brother and I always welcome (and really appreciate) when people ask how I'm doing and especially when they ask about Jason. Due to my openness, I wasn't really sure what I could bring attention to on this day. After weeks of thinking about it, something kept popping back into my head. I could share my story. Not my story of dealing with grief but my story of why I'm grieving. That would make this the story about Jason and Alethea.

Something that is encouraged to help during grief is taking a loss history. Basically what that means is you need to think about what you have lost from your loved one dying. After all, those are the things we grieve. Those are things that keep us up late night, those are the things that can't get us out of bed in the morning and those are the things we are haunted by in the middle of the night. Those are things that are specific only to the person grieving and the person gone. I started taking a loss history shortly after his death and have continued to add more things as I work through my grief.

When you are a sibling, they play such a huge part of your life. There are so many memories shared, laughter shared and of course the inevitable sibling fighting. I just read this recently on www.compassionatefriends.org and it gave me a stepping stone for this blog.
                   

  When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your   child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and      your future. 

PAST

This picture shows the beginning of our relationship. Any sibling or parent with multiple children all have a picture like this. Big sibling holding baby sibling. I don't remember this time in my life but from what I've been told Jason was a pretty good brother to his little sister :)
                                               

You know those moments in life that something happens with another person that you just can't forget? Something that changed the way you thought or maybe it was just something so great that you will never forget, even if the other person does? Well, I want to share one of my moments. It's something I have never shared with anyone before, never even told my brother what it meant to me. I debated even writing it because it is a very special memory to me. However, I am sharing it because it will show a big step in the relationship I had with Jason and that is what this blog is about.

My family spent a lot of my childhood at a lake in WA. My parents had a little trailer there that we used during the summer. It was just feet away from the lake and a fishing/boat dock. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I spent in that lake swimming. Like most siblings when you go on vacations or spend weekends together as a family, you are left being "friends" with your sibling. Although we got to bring out other friends to the lake, most of the time Jason and I were left to play with each other. Thankfully he loved to swim as much as I did. There was a small shallow end to the lake and then it dipped down to a deep end. There was a dock that went out onto the lake and it sat on top of that dip. There was a gap under the dock with maybe 6-10 inches of space above the water and before you hit the dock with the top of your head. Jason would swim underwater and then "trap" himself under the dock. There were slates in the wood so you could see out. I was scared to go under it because you had to swim down in the water and then make your way under the dock. You couldn't see clearly what you were doing and although I was a great swimmer, it seemed too dangerous for me (I have always been a scaredy cat).

I'm not sure how old I was but I'm guessing I was about 7 or so. Jason had already gone under the dock and he was talking to me through the slates, as I waded in the water. He kept urging me to come under with him but I kept telling him I was scared and couldn't do it. I could only see a bit of his eyes but he looked right at me and told me that I would be fine because he was there. That was all I needed to hear and under the dock I went! I have remembered that moment all these years because I realized at that moment that I trusted my brother with my life. I trusted the brother who annoyed me, picked on me and called me names. I know if Jason was alive he probably wouldn't have remembered that moment and that is OK because that was a turning moment in my life not his. That trust I had in him never went away. After going under the dock I realized how fun it was to spy on people walking above us. We would listen to other people's conversations and we would even make noises to freak them out!

Here is a picture to help understand what I was trying to describe with the dock. I asked my mom to send a picture of the dock and this was all she could find. I found it quite fitting that the picture she sent has a man in it that meant so much to my family, especially my brother. So, if you can find yourself looking past the cheesy grin of Rick (I know it's hard because he has a contagious smile) you will see some of the dock.

  

PRESENT

When I think of the present time I had with my brother, I think of my time with him as an adult. I was in my early 20's when Jason started saying, "I love you" to me (which was a pretty big deal if you knew my brother). That lasted until the last phone call I got from him just days before he died. I wasn't home but he left me a message to say he heard about Joslyn being the hospital and wanted to make sure she was OK. Like all phone calls he left with a , "Love you sis, give the girls a big hug and kiss and tell them I love them." I think he got softer as he got older and I also think he realized our relationship had changed. I wasn't out to get him, I wasn't trying to compete with him, I was just his sister and we were on the same side as one another. I know he cherished our relationship and I know he loved me very much.

I loved watching him get to know and accept Josh as his brother. I know he was very proud of Josh for his work in the military and he was at ease knowing I was taken care of. Even more I loved to see him as an uncle. I have so many memories of him with Joslyn. They definitely had a special bond and Joslyn has many memories of him. I'm very grateful for that. Kyla (or number 2 as Jason called her) always had Jason laughing and although he didn't get as much time with her, he loved her so much as well.

He was also a dad to my awesome nephew, Thurston. You want to know what Jason looked like as a kid? Look at Thurston! I see so much of my brother in him, not just in looks but also in personality. Thurston is 11 now and tries to put on a tough, macho act but as soon as one of his little cousins is around, he melts and smothers them with love...just like his daddy did. This picture shows you that even though my brother was a big guy, acted tough and put on a angry face, if you put a baby on his chest he snuggled right up.

FUTURE

This is my hardest section to write about. There is so much that I hoped and dreamed for, for my brother. He wasn't exactly on the "right path" all the time and I always prayed that he would find a better way to live. While it's easy to think that someone should automatically become a perfect husband, father, son, etc as soon as adulthood hits, it's really isn't the case for a lot of people. Some people don't change for many, many years but I believe that it is never too late to change your lifestyle. Never too late to make amends. Never too late to accept Jesus in your life. Never too late to become healthy. I had hope that one day Jason would have all that. That he would be free from his depression, free from his demons that haunted him, free from anger and most of all I had hope he would one day let Jesus in. The last thing being my biggest struggle with his death.

About 3 months after Jason died I wrote a blog about my feelings about Heaven and hell and my thoughts of my brother not being in Heaven. That blog opened up a lot of conversations with my family. From there I learned so much about the months leading up to Jason's death. So much about his thoughts and actions regarding God. I have peace of mind now knowing where my brother's new home is and I believe we will be reunited again. It took death but Jason is finally free from all that held him down while he was alive.

I'm saddened that my future doesn't have him in it. Joslyn and Kyla had 1 uncle and now they have none. I'm still struggling to refer to him in the past tense. I'm not sure how to answer my doctor's questions, "Do you have any siblings?" I was actually asked that 3 weeks after he died and I didn't know how to answer...I still don't.

I'm sad that when my parents die, he won't be there. You are supposed to lean on your siblings during a parent's death and share memories. I will be alone to remember our childhood memories with my parents and that is tough to think about.

This was my hardest section to write because it's a section that doesn't exist for Jason. Jason's life and story has ended. The Jason and Alethea story has come to an end. It's very hard to write that because it means I have to accept it.

Thank you all for reading this and getting a look into my life as Jason's sister. So when I'm sad and hurting, just know it's the reasons in this blog (and plenty more) that make my tears fall down. I have lost a piece of my past, present and future.

*Angie Cartwright is the founder of Grief the Unspoken and National Grief Awareness Day. Her website and facebook posts have been a huge support to me over the past 6 1/2 months. Please check out her website.  http://www.griefawarenessday.com/index.html *