Figuring Things Out

After a loved one dies, no one ever tells you how you answer certain questions. For me those questions usually come from medical professionals regarding my family history of things. Immediately after returning home from my brother's memorial, I was at the doctor when asked how many siblings I had and if they were healthy. The new doctor was so nice and kind as I stumbled through an answer something like, "Um, yeah, well no, well yeah I do, but no I don't. Um, I don't know, I did have a brother, I mean I do have a brother but no, I mean I did. I don't know he died 3 weeks ago." Here I am 10 1/2 months later and I still struggle. Just the other day I was filling out paperwork for something and it asked for my parents and siblings names, where they live and occupation. I froze. I cried. I panicked. I still did not know what to write. I did have a brother for 31 years of my life. How do I not put him down? By not putting him down it is as if he did not exist in this world but he did. For 34 years and 4 days, he existed on this earth. Ultimately, I left it blank and it looked as if I was an only child.

No one ever tells you how to handle those and other types of circumstances. Today, as we approach the New Year, I was filling out my 2014 calendar (yes I use an old school wall calendar and I write on it!). I flipped to the dreadful yet happy month of February. Feb 4th-Joslyn's birthday. Feb 8th-my niece Carleigh's birthday. Feb 24th-my nephew Thurston's birthday. Those are all great, happy days for me to remember and it was very easy to jot down those birthday reminders on the little squares. Then this dreaded span of 4 days stared back at me. The 12-16th. Feb 12th would be Jason's 35th birthday. A time for me to make another video of the girls, singing to him or doing something that would make him giggle. A time for me to joke about how old he was. A time for me to listen to him laugh then come right back at me with some smart aleck remark meant to burn me. We would laugh and make fun of each other because sarcasm was how we showed each other love. Two days later another day stared back at me. The day that lovers celebrate their love, a day that my sister-in-law will always remember, as this coming years Valentine's Day would have been their 11th wedding anniversary. As I, and many others, celebrate our love for our spouses that day, she will not be able to do that in the same way. Then the most dreaded day of all, Feb 16th. The day I received the horrible news of Jason's death. The day that forever changed how I view life, view family, view friendships and view God. Do I write on those 3 days? Do I write down his would-be 35th birthday, as if I would ever forget his birthday which was on Abraham Lincoln's birthday? Do I write down his would-be anniversary as if I could ever forget his wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day, the same year Josh and I married? Do I write down when he died as if I will ever forget that day? I know there is no right or wrong answer to this and it is just on what feels right for me but I really wish it came easier to me. For now, those 3 days are blank on my calendar as I have those dates permanently scribbled in my head.

As I face these questions and am put in these circumstances, it makes me realize just how many family and friends of mine are facing similar struggles all the time. Whether it is a loss of their spouse, a sibling, a parent or child. It is never easy to refer to your loved one in past tense or to not include them when asked certain questions. I have also realized that even though Jason's life has stopped, his memory will live on in the many people who loved him. It does not matter if my doctor's note says I had no siblings, I know I had a brother and that is all that matters.