Figuring Things Out

After a loved one dies, no one ever tells you how you answer certain questions. For me those questions usually come from medical professionals regarding my family history of things. Immediately after returning home from my brother's memorial, I was at the doctor when asked how many siblings I had and if they were healthy. The new doctor was so nice and kind as I stumbled through an answer something like, "Um, yeah, well no, well yeah I do, but no I don't. Um, I don't know, I did have a brother, I mean I do have a brother but no, I mean I did. I don't know he died 3 weeks ago." Here I am 10 1/2 months later and I still struggle. Just the other day I was filling out paperwork for something and it asked for my parents and siblings names, where they live and occupation. I froze. I cried. I panicked. I still did not know what to write. I did have a brother for 31 years of my life. How do I not put him down? By not putting him down it is as if he did not exist in this world but he did. For 34 years and 4 days, he existed on this earth. Ultimately, I left it blank and it looked as if I was an only child.

No one ever tells you how to handle those and other types of circumstances. Today, as we approach the New Year, I was filling out my 2014 calendar (yes I use an old school wall calendar and I write on it!). I flipped to the dreadful yet happy month of February. Feb 4th-Joslyn's birthday. Feb 8th-my niece Carleigh's birthday. Feb 24th-my nephew Thurston's birthday. Those are all great, happy days for me to remember and it was very easy to jot down those birthday reminders on the little squares. Then this dreaded span of 4 days stared back at me. The 12-16th. Feb 12th would be Jason's 35th birthday. A time for me to make another video of the girls, singing to him or doing something that would make him giggle. A time for me to joke about how old he was. A time for me to listen to him laugh then come right back at me with some smart aleck remark meant to burn me. We would laugh and make fun of each other because sarcasm was how we showed each other love. Two days later another day stared back at me. The day that lovers celebrate their love, a day that my sister-in-law will always remember, as this coming years Valentine's Day would have been their 11th wedding anniversary. As I, and many others, celebrate our love for our spouses that day, she will not be able to do that in the same way. Then the most dreaded day of all, Feb 16th. The day I received the horrible news of Jason's death. The day that forever changed how I view life, view family, view friendships and view God. Do I write on those 3 days? Do I write down his would-be 35th birthday, as if I would ever forget his birthday which was on Abraham Lincoln's birthday? Do I write down his would-be anniversary as if I could ever forget his wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day, the same year Josh and I married? Do I write down when he died as if I will ever forget that day? I know there is no right or wrong answer to this and it is just on what feels right for me but I really wish it came easier to me. For now, those 3 days are blank on my calendar as I have those dates permanently scribbled in my head.

As I face these questions and am put in these circumstances, it makes me realize just how many family and friends of mine are facing similar struggles all the time. Whether it is a loss of their spouse, a sibling, a parent or child. It is never easy to refer to your loved one in past tense or to not include them when asked certain questions. I have also realized that even though Jason's life has stopped, his memory will live on in the many people who loved him. It does not matter if my doctor's note says I had no siblings, I know I had a brother and that is all that matters.

A Glimpse Into Heaven

Many of you reading this know my struggles over the past 8 months since my brother, Jason, died. My biggest struggle was his faith. Being a Christian I believe in Heaven and hell and I believe you have to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior to go to Heaven. A few months after his death I began hearing stories about things he did and said in the months leading up to his death and I started to believe he could be in Heaven. There was still something holding me back from completely believing he is in Heaven. I hate admitting that because #1 I'm not the judge so it's not my place to decide or think where someone else belongs and #2 What a cruddy sister I was for having such bad thoughts of my brother of possibly being in hell. Over this past year, I have learned to bring my problems, fears and questions to God. I prayed and prayed asking God to help me be at peace with Jason's death. It didn't happen immediately but God did answer my prayers.

It was the end of July and I had a dream. It was one of those dreams you can remember and can still feel days after it happening. There was a big presence/figure in my dream. It didn't look like anyone in particular but somehow I recognized this presence as my brother. For a lot of my brother's adult life he was a big man, like 300+ pounds and over 6 feet tall. I always felt "safe" next to him because of how small I was compared to him and I felt that same way next to my brother in my dream. I remember everything was white in my dream, including Jason. It wasn't a dull white but insanely bright white. I remember being fascinated that I was able to see clearly without squinting or wearing sunglasses, that's how bright it was. I remember telling my brother something that was going on in my life (I think it was about the girls starting school soon) and he chuckled, the same chuckle he had on earth, and said sarcastically, "Yeah, I know" and he chuckled again. It was with that sarcastic remark that I knew it was my brother! I remember him being so happy. When Jason was alive, he would have many moments of happiness and smiles. However, those moments didn't always last long and he would soon look depressed. In this dream, he never lost his happiness. I remember thinking how great it was to see him happy and smiling all the time again. Then the best part of the dream was when he said, "Come on, I want to show you around my new home." That was it and I woke up.

I woke up with a comfort I hadn't felt since he died. It was this calming feeling that took over my body and I felt great. Of course I over analyzed it and decided the dream must not have meant anything it was merely my subconscious trying to find comfort. I briefly mentioned my dream to a friend of mine who has experienced many dreams since her dad died earlier this year. She thought my dream had a lot of meaning but being the good friend she is, she knew I would need to figure it out on my own. I spent the next couple of weeks really struggling with knowing how to decipher whether a dream is from God or not.

A couple weeks after my dream, I got a card in the mail from my mom. In it she wrote down this dream she had but after I read it, I told Josh I was concerned about her because the card didn't make sense. I put the card aside and purposely didn't ask her about it (sorry mom!) because it was bizarre. Well, we were talking a couple weeks later and I told her I was struggling with a dream I had because I wasn't sure how to know if was from God or not. As I'm telling her about my dream, she starts freaking out and crying. She then yells at me, "DID YOU NOT READ MY CARD I SENT YOU?!?!?" She then explained to me that I was describing her dream, she just couldn't figure out how to put it all into words. We bawled and bawled as we shared our dreams to one another. Sure enough, I went back and re-read the card and it blew me away as it finally made sense what she was trying to write. She wrote that Jason was talking and laughing, he was white and wearing a white shirt and he was smiling so much. My mom woke up and wasn't scared, and could still remember the dream days after it happened. There were some differences in our dreams about the appearance of Jason (he was big to me like when he was an adult but in my mom's dream he was thinner with not a lot of facial hair like when he was a teenager). There were also other people in my mom's dream whereas my dream it was just Jason and I.

Regardless of our differences, it was obvious to me that our similarities were too close to dismiss. That is what I needed in order to erase any doubt I had about where Jason was. After looking back on when my mom sent her card and when I had my dream, it looks like we had our dreams within days of each other!

God answered my prayers and he gave me peace with the thing that has been the hardest for me since Jason died. Not only do I have comfort knowing my brother and I will see each other again and that he is so happy now, but I also got a mini-tour of my future home. 

The Proof

Last night I received in the mail copies of my brother's autopsy and toxicology reports. The reports came back about 8 weeks after he died so I have known since then how he died. The reports did not show me anything I did not already know and honestly, they were not very hard to look at. I think I was more fascinated with how thorough the reports are. They do not leave any detail out about the person's body, internal or external. Even though they were not hard to read or look at, something still felt strange. I realized it was because this was my "proof." I was not there in the hours after my brother died to see him or hold him as my parents were. Before his cremation, I chose not to view his body. I know very well that my brother is dead; I did not need to see his body to know that. In fact, when my mom called to tell me he passed immediately after hearing, "Jason is dead" I crumbled. My whole body, mentally and physically, reacted. I knew he was dead because I felt it. However, seeing the proof in writing really finalized everything I already knew.

The proof of his death came just hours after sitting around my kitchen table and talking with 3 other families about my journey to Christ. I was not raised in the church and really only knew a tiny bit about God as a child. My Grandpa Dick and Grandma Betty have always been the consistent Christian figure in my life. Leading just by example, they showed me a life and marriage led by Christ. Neither of them ever scolded me or told me that I was living the wrong way or that I was going to hell. Instead, they planted the seed in my heart and let God handle the rest. I have said that I always knew and believed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior; it just took me up until a few years ago to follow the voice in my heart and to follow Christ. I do not need proof of Jesus because the proof is in my life. I do not need to physically see Him because I feel Him, just as I knew my brother was dead without having to physically see him. What I am most happy about is that my hardcore, physical proof of Jesus will come one day. That day will finalize everything I have always known. Oh what a day that will be when I stand face-to-face with my Father!

 *Side note: When I asked my sister-in-law about how my brother felt about God, she replied, "He always believed." I truly believe that same seed was planted into my brother and there are quite a few other things leading up to his death that make me believe he was starting to listen to his heart.*

National Grief Awareness Day 2013

Today is National Grief Awareness Day. It's a day to raise awareness of grief and to not hide from it. It's a day to show others that they aren't alone and that it is OK to grieve, even if society says it's not. I debated back and forth about writing something today. I've already wrote a few blogs on my grief and what has and hasn't helped me since my brother, Jason, died. I'm an open book about my feelings in writing and in person. I never shy away from talking about my brother and I always welcome (and really appreciate) when people ask how I'm doing and especially when they ask about Jason. Due to my openness, I wasn't really sure what I could bring attention to on this day. After weeks of thinking about it, something kept popping back into my head. I could share my story. Not my story of dealing with grief but my story of why I'm grieving. That would make this the story about Jason and Alethea.

Something that is encouraged to help during grief is taking a loss history. Basically what that means is you need to think about what you have lost from your loved one dying. After all, those are the things we grieve. Those are things that keep us up late night, those are the things that can't get us out of bed in the morning and those are the things we are haunted by in the middle of the night. Those are things that are specific only to the person grieving and the person gone. I started taking a loss history shortly after his death and have continued to add more things as I work through my grief.

When you are a sibling, they play such a huge part of your life. There are so many memories shared, laughter shared and of course the inevitable sibling fighting. I just read this recently on www.compassionatefriends.org and it gave me a stepping stone for this blog.
                   

  When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your   child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and      your future. 

PAST

This picture shows the beginning of our relationship. Any sibling or parent with multiple children all have a picture like this. Big sibling holding baby sibling. I don't remember this time in my life but from what I've been told Jason was a pretty good brother to his little sister :)
                                               

You know those moments in life that something happens with another person that you just can't forget? Something that changed the way you thought or maybe it was just something so great that you will never forget, even if the other person does? Well, I want to share one of my moments. It's something I have never shared with anyone before, never even told my brother what it meant to me. I debated even writing it because it is a very special memory to me. However, I am sharing it because it will show a big step in the relationship I had with Jason and that is what this blog is about.

My family spent a lot of my childhood at a lake in WA. My parents had a little trailer there that we used during the summer. It was just feet away from the lake and a fishing/boat dock. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I spent in that lake swimming. Like most siblings when you go on vacations or spend weekends together as a family, you are left being "friends" with your sibling. Although we got to bring out other friends to the lake, most of the time Jason and I were left to play with each other. Thankfully he loved to swim as much as I did. There was a small shallow end to the lake and then it dipped down to a deep end. There was a dock that went out onto the lake and it sat on top of that dip. There was a gap under the dock with maybe 6-10 inches of space above the water and before you hit the dock with the top of your head. Jason would swim underwater and then "trap" himself under the dock. There were slates in the wood so you could see out. I was scared to go under it because you had to swim down in the water and then make your way under the dock. You couldn't see clearly what you were doing and although I was a great swimmer, it seemed too dangerous for me (I have always been a scaredy cat).

I'm not sure how old I was but I'm guessing I was about 7 or so. Jason had already gone under the dock and he was talking to me through the slates, as I waded in the water. He kept urging me to come under with him but I kept telling him I was scared and couldn't do it. I could only see a bit of his eyes but he looked right at me and told me that I would be fine because he was there. That was all I needed to hear and under the dock I went! I have remembered that moment all these years because I realized at that moment that I trusted my brother with my life. I trusted the brother who annoyed me, picked on me and called me names. I know if Jason was alive he probably wouldn't have remembered that moment and that is OK because that was a turning moment in my life not his. That trust I had in him never went away. After going under the dock I realized how fun it was to spy on people walking above us. We would listen to other people's conversations and we would even make noises to freak them out!

Here is a picture to help understand what I was trying to describe with the dock. I asked my mom to send a picture of the dock and this was all she could find. I found it quite fitting that the picture she sent has a man in it that meant so much to my family, especially my brother. So, if you can find yourself looking past the cheesy grin of Rick (I know it's hard because he has a contagious smile) you will see some of the dock.

  

PRESENT

When I think of the present time I had with my brother, I think of my time with him as an adult. I was in my early 20's when Jason started saying, "I love you" to me (which was a pretty big deal if you knew my brother). That lasted until the last phone call I got from him just days before he died. I wasn't home but he left me a message to say he heard about Joslyn being the hospital and wanted to make sure she was OK. Like all phone calls he left with a , "Love you sis, give the girls a big hug and kiss and tell them I love them." I think he got softer as he got older and I also think he realized our relationship had changed. I wasn't out to get him, I wasn't trying to compete with him, I was just his sister and we were on the same side as one another. I know he cherished our relationship and I know he loved me very much.

I loved watching him get to know and accept Josh as his brother. I know he was very proud of Josh for his work in the military and he was at ease knowing I was taken care of. Even more I loved to see him as an uncle. I have so many memories of him with Joslyn. They definitely had a special bond and Joslyn has many memories of him. I'm very grateful for that. Kyla (or number 2 as Jason called her) always had Jason laughing and although he didn't get as much time with her, he loved her so much as well.

He was also a dad to my awesome nephew, Thurston. You want to know what Jason looked like as a kid? Look at Thurston! I see so much of my brother in him, not just in looks but also in personality. Thurston is 11 now and tries to put on a tough, macho act but as soon as one of his little cousins is around, he melts and smothers them with love...just like his daddy did. This picture shows you that even though my brother was a big guy, acted tough and put on a angry face, if you put a baby on his chest he snuggled right up.

FUTURE

This is my hardest section to write about. There is so much that I hoped and dreamed for, for my brother. He wasn't exactly on the "right path" all the time and I always prayed that he would find a better way to live. While it's easy to think that someone should automatically become a perfect husband, father, son, etc as soon as adulthood hits, it's really isn't the case for a lot of people. Some people don't change for many, many years but I believe that it is never too late to change your lifestyle. Never too late to make amends. Never too late to accept Jesus in your life. Never too late to become healthy. I had hope that one day Jason would have all that. That he would be free from his depression, free from his demons that haunted him, free from anger and most of all I had hope he would one day let Jesus in. The last thing being my biggest struggle with his death.

About 3 months after Jason died I wrote a blog about my feelings about Heaven and hell and my thoughts of my brother not being in Heaven. That blog opened up a lot of conversations with my family. From there I learned so much about the months leading up to Jason's death. So much about his thoughts and actions regarding God. I have peace of mind now knowing where my brother's new home is and I believe we will be reunited again. It took death but Jason is finally free from all that held him down while he was alive.

I'm saddened that my future doesn't have him in it. Joslyn and Kyla had 1 uncle and now they have none. I'm still struggling to refer to him in the past tense. I'm not sure how to answer my doctor's questions, "Do you have any siblings?" I was actually asked that 3 weeks after he died and I didn't know how to answer...I still don't.

I'm sad that when my parents die, he won't be there. You are supposed to lean on your siblings during a parent's death and share memories. I will be alone to remember our childhood memories with my parents and that is tough to think about.

This was my hardest section to write because it's a section that doesn't exist for Jason. Jason's life and story has ended. The Jason and Alethea story has come to an end. It's very hard to write that because it means I have to accept it.

Thank you all for reading this and getting a look into my life as Jason's sister. So when I'm sad and hurting, just know it's the reasons in this blog (and plenty more) that make my tears fall down. I have lost a piece of my past, present and future.

*Angie Cartwright is the founder of Grief the Unspoken and National Grief Awareness Day. Her website and facebook posts have been a huge support to me over the past 6 1/2 months. Please check out her website.  http://www.griefawarenessday.com/index.html *

Life is Sticky

Last night at church we had South Texas Youth Ministries visit from the states. They rocked the worship music and Matt Rule shared a great message with us about life being sticky. He posed many thought provoking questions that I had quick answers to during service but since thinking about them more last night and this morning, I've realized there are some not-so-good things I'm thinking. I love and hate those moments of realization but they are the stepping stones of growth so I'm accepting them.

Matt's message was how life is full of sticky things. Things we don't like, things we don't agree with, things we don't understand but how are we going to deal with those times. Ultimately, the only way to do that is sticking with Jesus...period.

Tomorrow marks 5 months since my brother died, and my life was turned upside down. Through all my pain, tears and sadness I have never thought God was bad for taking Jason. God is good. I have been feeling pretty good that I've gotten closer and "stuck" to Jesus through my brothers death.

Matt asked if any of us were going through something "sticky" in our lives that we just can't get seem to make unsticky. I definitely have some stickiness in my life. Grieving has brought out emotions in me I didn't even know existed. I went from rarely crying to crying almost daily. My attitude is unpredictable, some days I'm really happy and social while other days I want to be a hermit in my house. In addition, I am experiencing bitterness. I say bitterness because I think it sounds better than anger, hurt and disappointment. I have realized this bitterness for many months now and I had thought it was directed towards friends, my views of what I thought a church was but as of last night I realized that my bitterness is towards God. I write that with tears in my eyes because I have believed for 5 months that God is good and I haven't been mad at him. But really I am mad. I'm not mad for the reasons you may think. I'm not mad He took my brother. I'm mad He took him when He did.

I lived in the same city as my brother, as my whole family, until 2006. Why didn't Jason die before then? My family would have been minutes away. I could have gone to my brother's place and held him and "talked to him" like my parents got to do after he died. I would have had my best friend, April, right there to cry with. Joslyn would have either not been born or would have been so young she wouldn't have had to deal with his loss like she is.

In 2006, Josh, myself and 1 1/2 yr old Joslyn moved a whole 300 miles away to Western WA. We stayed there until last July. Why didn't Jason die during our 6 years there? We had a great church family and friends outside of the church that would have been a great support system for us. I would have been a 4 1/2 hour car ride away or 1 hour plane ride away from my family. I could have been there that same day my brother died.

Instead 7 months after we moved away to Germany he died. Why? Why would God wait until I was not a part of my old church family anymore? Why would He wait until we had just started a new church a few months prior? Why would He wait until I was living in a foreign country without any solid friendships or support system in place? Why did God wait until I was at a place that it took me 2 days to reach my family plus we were on a 9 hour time difference?

I'm mad at God's timing. There was better timing in my book and I'm mad He didn't take that into account!

I expressed this concern to Josh just a few days ago and he asked me if Jason would have died a couple years ago, would I have leaned on him like I did now? My answer was a very quick. "Nope." I would have leaned on my friends and spent all my free time back home in Spokane with my parents; that is what I would have done. I know my friends would have been calling, coming over, checking up on me, bringing us dinner, etc. back at our old place. I don't have that here. I have Josh. I don't say that as a bad thing but Josh has done so much for me over the past 5 months that I feel bad for him. He is the one I cry to all the time, he is the one who took care of all our arrangements to get back home for the memorial, he has had to do things he probably never wanted to do (viewed my brother's body, answered my questions about the viewing, he has handled his ashes and so much more). I am beyond thankful for everything Josh has done and Jason's death has definitely brought us closer together. Even through all that I wish I had family and friends by me. I wish Josh could have had help during these last 5 months. He hasn't had a break from my tears, my crazy emotions and irrational thoughts. It doesn't seem fair to him either.

Through all these thoughts of mine, I have realized that my bitterness has been directed towards people and the church when it really isn't there fault. The timing of Jason's death made things challenging. It has made it very hard to connect and reach out to friends back in WA. It's now been a year since I last lived there and lives go on and friendships change. The same is true for the church. My happiness won't come from my friends, it won't come from my family, it will come from God. I have been mad at God and now that I know that, I will face it. It's never fun to face the ugliness or the ugly feelings I have but in the long run my faith will be stronger.

I'm taking the message from last night and I'm running with. What God has done in me, He wants to do through me. I can't change the timing of Jason's death so I have to let my sticky bitterness go and stick to Jesus instead. It's not going to be easy but with Jesus by my side, anything is possible.

A Century Later

I'm writing this blog to share my experience I had recently visiting a wonderful family in Switzerland that has a connection to my great-grandma. It was an amazing trip where I got see the country my great-grandma grew up in. I will be throwing out quite a few names of people so I'm making a key of them to reference back to during my blog, in case it gets too confusing. I want to mention that the stories I write are coming from the little knowledge I have and also from what I heard during my trip.

Mary----My great-grandma
Ferdinand----My great-grandpa
Betty----My grandma who is the youngest of Mary's 12 children.
Joslyn and Kyla ----My daughters.

Sepp----Mary's "boyfriend" from Switzerland.
Walti----Sepp's grandson.
Beata----Walti's wife.
Maya and Andy----Walti's daughter and son-in-law.
Lani and Kai----Maya and Andy's children.


Mary was 21 years old and her parents told her she had to leave Switzerland and move the US. She was to work and send money back to them. Mary was very upset because she had a "boyfriend", Sepp, that she cared a lot for. Her parents insisted so she told them, "Alright, but I am going to marry the first man I meet!"

Ferdinand was already living in the US but went back to Switzerland to get his girlfriend and bring her back to the US with him. Sometime on the boat a doctor pointed to Mary and told Ferdinand, "You should marry that girl, she looks like a healthy one." Walti and his family said the story they heard was that they doctor said Mary had nice teeth and that made her a healthy one. Whatever the doctor said was enough for Ferdinand to ditch his girlfriend and he went after Mary. Mary and Ferdinand married that same year!

Mary lived in the US for 50 years before she decided to visit Switzerland. At this point her children were grown and Ferdinand had died many years previously. When she arrived in Hergiswil, Switzerland she went up to the house Sepp had lived in and knocked. Sepp happened to still live there! From my understanding Sepp's wife had also passed by the time Mary had come back. I'm not sure how many trips Mary made to Switzerland after that but besides staying with relatives in another part of Switzerland, she was always welcome in Sepp's home and she spent a lot of time there with his family. Other family members of mine have visited Switzerland and they also stayed at Sepp's house. Mary was over 70 years old when she first came back to Switzerland and she is remembered for being so strong. She would go out on hikes, walk around and she didn't tire easily. It is very clear that the doctor was right, she was a healthy one!

99 years after Mary first left Switzerland, my family (myself, husband and daughters) visited Hergiswil. We were so fortunate to have my Grandma Betty reach out to Walti and Beata to start the introductions for a meeting. It is a very busy time of year for Walti and Beata but they took time out of their schedule to meet my family. First we met Walti on the morning of July 5th. He had a busy morning already planned but we were able to meet for coffee, he showed us fun things to do with the children and then took us to the house Mary used to stay at. It is no longer in his family but we stood in front of the house, took some pictures and listened to Walti talk about his memories of the house. It was surreal to be standing in front of the house my great-grandma had been to many times and in the village she knew so well. After walking around a bit, Walti invited us to his home for dinner. While we didn't want to intrude, the offer to meet his wife and other family members was just too good to pass up.

 

My family in front of the house.

Later that evening we made our way up to Walti and Beata's house. The view of Lake Lucerne and Mt. Pilatus (Mary had hiked that mountain many times in her life) was breathtaking. Walti and Beata had a very full house with Maya, Andy, Lani and Kai visiting from California. Maya's mom and grandma were also staying at Walti and Beata's house. Joslyn and Lani were about the same age and became instant friends. Kyla and Kai are both 4 and hit it off quickly as well. There were many times during the night we thought the Mary/Sepp story will continue on through Kyla/Kai. At one point Kai went in the backyard and was gone for just a couple minutes. Kyla then ran after him saying, "I'm miss Kai!" Maya said Kai isn't always very talkative but he took to Kyla right away and they were inseparable. Kyla must take after her great-great-grandma and have good teeth and is healthy :)

Amazing view from Walti and Beata's house. 

It was an amazing experience for me to be sitting around a table with people who knew my great-grandma and also to see how the Mary/Sepp story had been talked about for so many years. Just like myself, Maya also grew up hearing of the story about her great-grandpa and Mary. I'm not sure when Sepp and Mary met but Walti recalled hearing that Sepp took Mary to a town event. We related it to Prom where it was a dance or celebration type thing that you had to bring a "date" to. He asked Mary to go with him. I'm not sure when that was but we know Mary left for the US in 1914 and prior to that she was quite smitten with Sepp. That makes this story about a century old.

Back row: Alethea, Josh, Beata, Walti, Andy (Kai on his shoudlers) and Maya

Front row: Joslyn, Kyla and Lani

If Sepp was anything like his grandson,Walti, than I can see why Mary went knocking on his door after 50 years.  My family and I have been blessed by meeting such a wonderful family that took us in with open arms. They shared their home, their food and their stories. The time I spent with them will be remembered forever and I sure hope this isn't our last encounter with this amazing family.

Slowly Moving Forward

Tomorrow will be 3 months since my brother, Jason, died. These last 3 months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, calmness, anxiety and sadness. Sometimes those around me (mainly Josh) have had to see me experience those feelings within minutes of each other! Throughout these last few months I have become obsessed with what happens to us after we die. 

I have been struggling since Jason died with Heaven and hell. I have turned to the Bible to find answers but it has been really tough for me. I have only confided in a few friends about it because most people don't want to touch on that subject. I'm so thankful for a pastor that does talk about it. He had a powerful sermon, about what happens to non-believers when they die, shortly after I got back from Washington. It was not a feel-good, warm your heart message; it was the truth. He spoke the words that had been in my mind for weeks and it was too much for me that I had to step out of church for a minute. I felt relief that someone else understood what I was feeling! Since then, our pastor has been talking about the "end times" and it has been very good for me to hear.

Yesterday was an eye opening day for me and a good step in my healing.

I finally got enough courage to write my sister-in-law and ask her some questions regarding my brother's religious beliefs. My brother and I weren't the type to sit down and have long heart-to-heart conversations so I wasn't sure where he stood. I "assumed" certain things but honestly I didn't really know. There are a few things that happened in the months leading up to his death that have made me think his heart was opening up to the Lord. After talking with my sister-in-law, I have a lot of hope that my suspicions of that are correct.

Another thing that happened yesterday was more of an aha moment. Since Jason died, I have had this unsettling feeling that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I want to make the most of the time I have here on earth with my loved ones. I cried thinking about my youngest daughter, Kyla, going to German Kindergarten this coming school year. She would be gone all day and it broke my heart. Many months ago (before Jason died) I am the one that consulted with teacher friends and family about whether or not we should put her in German Kinder. I was all for it. Both kids would be in school all day, I could do homework, clean and relax...all in peace! Sounded great at the time. Not anymore. I'm now signing her up for Pre-Kindergarten on our base because it is only for 3 hours a day. I want that extra time with her. In the 2014 school year, she will start American Kinder and will be gone all day; why rush her out the door any sooner then she needs to? None of us know when our time is coming and although I've always known that, I never really got it until now. I read this on a website yesterday and it all made sense to me why I've been feeling this way. 
   
  Siblings that pass away have special meaning to us. They are often close in age to us and their death may bring to mind our own mortality. Life is no longer taken for granted. Someone from our generation has passed away. If the death is unexpected, there may be loose ends in the relationship that have not been dealt with. It is common that a death of a sibling brings upon a search for meaning. We may ask ourselves if we are accomplishing the goals that we have set for ourselves.

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I have often felt stupid or that I'm overreacting for missing my brother as much as I do. I have been told to "move on, like I did when my _____ died" (yes, people say those things to others in grief!). How do I move on after losing a brother? How do I keep so busy that I "forget", when there is a constant reminder of a sibling love right in front of me, in the lives of my daughters?  For all of my childhood I was part of a 4 person family (my dad, mom, brother and myself). That was my life for many, many years. "Jason and Alethea!" rolled off the tongues of my parents just as easily as "Joslyn and Kyla!" roll off of mine. We went swimming together-A LOT, we went fishing off the dock, we had family vacations where hours were spent in the back seat of the car with my brother. He would put his finger right next to my eye and say, "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you." Yes he tortured me, he picked on me, he called me names but he was my brother and we loved each other very much.

I look at my girls; they fight, they play and they love each other so much. If one of them died tomorrow I would not expect the other to just move on and get over it. I would expect them to grieve for as long as they needed. So I'm taking advice from myself and I'm going to grieve!

Learning Through the Journey

2 months ago, today, a simple phone call from my mom forever changed my life. So much has happened in my life since my brother died and yet so much has remained the same. In these last 2 months I have seen people in different ways. Friends I considered family didn't even send condolences and people I barely knew did send condolences. I noticed many people avoided talking about Jason's death with me as I'm sure they didn't know what to say or how I would react. While others were more open and would ask questions. It has been eye opening both in a good way and a bad way to see how other's react to death. I understand that everyone grieves differently and for some that means ignoring or moving past the pain quickly. I used to be one of those people, but for some reason I can't do it this time.

I have felt silly many times that I'm "still grieving". I know it sounds dumb as it's only been 2 months but I feel like I'm dragging this on. There isn't much for grief support groups here so a few weeks ago I found a Christian based website, griefshare.org, that has been tremendous help. I get daily encouraging emails from them, I do a journal and listen to CD's I ordered from their website. It's my own support group of one but it is working very well for me. Today I read my daily email from them...

If you want to heal from grief, you must go through it; you cannot go around it. The grieving process is a healing process. Do not look at healing as a goal you can only attain at the end of the process. Each step you take is part of your healing.

"Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey," observes Dr. Tim Clinton. "It's just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives."

This is exactly what I needed to read. I need to stop comparing myself to how quickly others grieve or how I have grieved in the past and I need to stop thinking of healing as an end goal. I know I need to work through this in my own way, taking my time.

I have found great comfort in the Bible. Thanks to the emails I get and journals I do from the griefshare website, I have opened my Bible more than I ever have before. There are a few things I continue to struggle with, with Jason's death, but I'm comforted in knowing God is good. He really is. I know Jason didn't die because he was a bad person. We are ALL bad people, we ALL sin. Jason died because some how, in some way, his death brings glory to God. Wouldn't we all love to know what God's plan is and why things happen the way they do? I know I would! I also know I can't dwell on getting those answers because I'm not going to get them while I'm here on Earth. All the dwelling and obsessing over the "why's" just causes more stress, anxiety and anger. Instead I'm choosing to have faith in God. I'm choosing to believe that God is good. I'm choosing to believe that even through my tears I shed everyday, even through my broken heart, that God has a good reason for Jason's death. I choose to believe God is with me; He is wiping my tears away and He is filling my heart with hope. I can just as easily choose to think the opposite. I can choose to think the worst of God and sit around mad at Him but that is a miserable way to live. So I am choosing to give thanks to Him everyday for my life, even when I'm hurting. 

Good Grief

Saturday March 16th is quickly approaching. That will mark 1 month since my brother died. Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I have found it to be therapeutic in the past to write so I guess I'm hoping for that now. I don't want people to think I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself. This post is merely the journey of my thoughts and feelings over the last month.

Being far from family during this time is quite hard. I feel like I abandoned my parents at a time when we should really be together leaning on each other.  However, even if I was still in Spokane I wouldn't be able to grieve. You see, I realized after my last post that I have put on a hard shell/happy face for people when I'm struggling with things. After a family member read my last post she told me she didn't realize that my grandpa getting cancer hit me so hard. I realized it was because I didn't show it. How could I call up my mom or grandma and cry with them when they were struggling themselves? It just didn't feel right. So I cried to Josh, once, (over the phone as he was deployed) and didn't talk about it much after that. Not because I didn't care but because I didn't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I've become pretty good at that over the years.

The first 2 weeks after Jason died, I fell apart. Being in Spokane was very hard. I was emotionally drained, adjusting to a 9 hour time change, and planning and making decisions I never thought I would have to do at my age, let alone for my 34 yr old brother. I was able to push a lot of my feelings to the side as I tried to make clear headed decisions for my family who wasn't in a clear state of mind. Many times I felt silly being upset. When sitting in a room with parents who have lost their son, a wife who lost her husband and a son who lost his dad, I felt insignificant and not worthy of crying like they did. After all, I'm just a sister.

I had many, many breakdowns during my time in Washington. Most came quietly in the shower by myself and others came out in the open when I could not hold it in anymore. Even today, almost 1 month after his death, I find myself having many breakdowns. Just yesterday I was driving in my car and Nirvana came on the radio (yes Nirvana was on the radio in Germany!) and I bawled. I remembered, when we were younger, he would blast Nirvana in his bedroom while I "acted" like I hated them but really I didn't; I can probably sing every one of their songs! Some days I have a hard time walking by my bookcase which has a picture my sister-in-law, Kindra, gave me. It's the last picture my brother and I took together before I moved to Germany. She said there was 1 framed picture in their house and it was that one. She gave it to me, frame and all. Jason told her that he rarely got to see me and it was a good picture of us so he wanted it somewhere he would always see it. It was on top of their TV. I know that even though I was just a sister, I was very much loved by my brother. I hope he knows how much I loved him too.

I find myself consumed in thinking of Jason. I rarely talked to my brother on the phone and while I thought of him often, it was no where near how much I think of him now. I finally told Josh I knew something wasn't right, I didn't feel right. It took just a few clicks on the Hospice of Spokane website to see that my feelings were normal and in fact I'm grieving...phew what a relief! I have realized grieving doesn't come one-size-fits-all. Everyone has their own way to grieve and in their own time. I have also learned that the way you grieve can change with each situation. Grieving isn't new for me. I've grieved a few times in my life before but never like I am now. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with all these crazy feelings but I will get there. I'm seeking out help and one day I will find my new normal.

In the meantime, I hope my family (especially Josh) and friends are patient with me. Most days I don't feel right or normal. I know I'm watching TV or talking with friends or playing with my girls but honestly I feel like I'm not there. My mind is somewhere else. Many days it takes all I have to put on a happy face when I bump into a neighbor. I'm trying to be normal and do normal things. Since being back in Germany I've continued with school, attended birthday parties for the kids and will continue going to church. Honestly, I'd rather just stay home and not talk to anyone; but I know how unhealthy that would be.

So when I'm not myself and acting strange, just know it's not you, it's me. I have some stuff to work through and get figured out before I can move on. Despite what many people think, I am NOT mad at God. Not even a tiny bit! I appreciate all my friends and family quoting bible verses and praying for me, it does give me strength. While I may not be relying on God as much as I should right now, I'm getting there....I might be slow as a snail but I'm getting there! I'm learning to be patient with my grieving, it will get better.


The last picture of Jason and I. Taken June 2012. 

2012 Where Did You Go?

We are 3 days into the New Year and I have done a lot of reflecting back on 2012. Originally I was going to blog about my reflections of last year but then thought a blog about how awesome Christmas time in Germany is would be better. Well, I changed my mind as I feel pushed to share my thoughts on 2012. Next week I will likely write about Christmas in Germany though, because it's pretty great.

Before talking about 2012, I feel it necessary to quickly look back on 2011. 2011 was a very hard year on many levels. Josh left on Mother's Day for his 7 deployment and was gone for 6 months. In the beginning of 2011 I started to feel confident in my faith and really liked how things were going in my Christian life. Well not too long after Josh left my Grandpa, extremely healthy never-smoked-in-his-life Grandpa, got lung cancer. Definitely hit the whole family hard. To see a man who never even got the flu be hit hard with something so serious as cancer was a hard thing to wrap our minds around. Just a few weeks after his diagnosis another blow to my faith happened. A family close to me, very suddenly lost their baby after a very healthy, full term pregnancy-something you only think happens in 3rd world countries where OB care is nonexistent. Needless to say my faith was rocked and God and I were not on good terms. 2011 proved to be the year that I questioned the good of God. I won't go into long stories about either situation as they are not my "stories" to tell but rather give a quick summary of a realization I had later on in 2011. During an Alpha class I was attending (I highly recommend anyone questioning the Christian faith to look into the Alpha course) a question was posed on how we know we believe in God. My answer came rather quickly.When those things happened to my Grandpa and to my friend I immediately started talking to God..not necessarily nice things either. But I realized that if I didn't believe in God, I would have never been mad at Him or hurt by Him. On Christmas I don't get mad at Santa when he doesn't bring me a present, because I know Santa isn't real. So if I didn't truly believe in God, I would have never been mad at him..you can't be mad at someone you don't believe in. After realizing that I knew I was going to have a relationship with God again, it was just going to take time. I had not given up on Him and I wasn't going to. So 2012 was my year of working on my relationship and trust in God.

2 major things and many minor things happened to me in 2012. I will touch on the 2 major things as they are both acts from God and I feel compelled to share them.

As some of you know Joslyn had suffered for almost 2 1/2 yrs from something called Encopresis. I will try my best to save the gory details of it but still need to explain it a bit. Encopresis is basically chronic constipation that results in soiling of the pants in kids that are potty trained. When Joslyn was 4 she had been potty trained for over 2 years but out of the blue had soiling in her pants. This continued for many years getting extremely bad towards the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012. Treatment for Encopresis went from occasional colon cleanses to doing them 2-4 times a month! These treatments are something adults would cringe at and our 4,5,6 and almost 7 year old was doing them almost every weekend and missing out on so much of her childhood as she was confined to a bathroom for days. We were seeing her doctor a couple times a month and she even had to be referred to a Psychologist because of the long term damage Encopresis can have on children emotionally. Thankfully God gave us the most understanding tough-cookie of a daughter and the Psychologist was not concerned that she was affected emotionally by this! Physically though, Joslyn went from being one of the tallest kids in pre-k to slowly growing over the next couple years. Although she was healthy looking we just knew she wasn't growing at the rate she was before. We were getting hand me downs from friends whose kids were younger then her!

In February 2012 I was chatting with my good friend, Ari-Amber. I was expressing my frustrations with failed treatments for Joslyn and how it was getting worse and worse. Ari mentioned having our intercessory prayer team at church pray over Joslyn. Immediately I said no. I have trust in doctors and the medical field...we didn't need prayers, we needed modern day medicine (I'm totally kicking myself for ever thinking that!!). I really didn't see how going into a room, praying over Joslyn and bawling my eyes out would help her. Ari being the amazing person she is, never told me how stupid I sounded and just said if I changed my mind she would be happy to go into the room with us. I told Josh Ari's suggestion later that night and he thought it was a good idea. The next day was Sunday and I was outnumbered, so into the room we went with Ari, Josh, Joslyn and myself. 2 people Josh and I knew and trusted, Mike and Tonia Webb, anointed Joslyn with oil and prayed over here. I actually don't know what they said because I was praying so hard in my head for God to heal her and make her better. Later Tonia had told me that during their prayer she kept feeling/hearing "wheat".

Just 3 days later our prayers were answered (now God doesn't always work that fast but He did this time). It was Wednesday evening, Joslyn's GI doctor called and said we needed to see him first thing in the morning to go over test results that were taken a week before. Nope, not waiting till the morning...tell me now!!! So he told us she has celiac disease-makes sense why Tonia kept feeling/hearing "wheat". Most of you know all about this thanks to my endless facebook posts or from hearing about it first hand from me so I won't go into detail about it. There were other appointments we had to do before having her go gluten free (GF). In April 2012 we were given the OK to start the GF diet and since then she has not had a single problem with Encopresis (celiac disease caused the Encopresis). Just weeks after going GF she sprouted up in length and gained weight...she is continuing to grow rapidly but is very healthy.

I believe with all my heart this was God's work in her diagnosis. I know some people believe that the blood test was already taken and her results would have been positive for celiac regardless of praying over her. I completely disagree and say God did it. Statistically her test should have been negative. Most celiacs are diagnosed after 7-11 yrs of suffering (not 2 1/2 yrs) and are diagnosed much later in life (not at age 7). So she had everything stacked against her and yet her test came back positive. For that I give thanks to my Lord and my only regret is that we didn't go into that room and pray sooner. God is more powerful then any smarty-pants doctor or fancy medicine!

My last highlight of 2012 was our move to Germany! When we got orders to Germany (OK we actually got orders to Muscat, Oman first, then it was Germany, then it was Oman again and finally Josh picked Germany!) I was excited and nervous. I don't like change and I'm not a traveler and have never had any desire to see anything except Graceland!! So I knew the only way I could make it in Germany for 3 yrs was to pray A LOT to God. I prayed for acceptance in the move with open arms and an open heart. I also prayed and continue to pray that He help my family with me being so far away.

I can't tell you how many friends and family members have said to me, "Wow, Alethea, I can't believe you are doing so well over there. I can't believe you look so happy in pictures and sound so happy on the phone. I can't believe you are doing so much and seeing so much in Europe. This is NOT the Alethea I know." And those statements are correct! I'm not the same person because I asked God to help change me. I knew I couldn't survive living in Germany without help from God. I put my trust and faith in Him for this move and He has come through! I still struggle being away from family and friends but I also have a freeing feeling that I'm alright here, this is where I am meant to be right now in my life.

If you have actually read this whole thing...thank you! I also hope that if you are one of my friends and family that struggle with your faith, that you can take a look at how much I have changed and I hope that you will see that anything is possible when you give yourself up to God. I am still a work in progress and always will be. But I love that I have my Heavenly Father always on side and always quick to forgive when I do fail. I have found that having a church family surrounded by Christians is what helps me. There is something so wonderful about having friends that are always there to listen, not judge and pray for you when you feel knocked down. A big thank you to my girls back home who have been called upon so many times this last year for prayers, guidance and support. Jill, Ari, Lindsey, Brandi, Cathy, Jen and Nikke...I can't tell you how much you have helped me and you will always be a huge part of my 2012 :) Love you ladies!