Slowly Moving Forward

Tomorrow will be 3 months since my brother, Jason, died. These last 3 months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, calmness, anxiety and sadness. Sometimes those around me (mainly Josh) have had to see me experience those feelings within minutes of each other! Throughout these last few months I have become obsessed with what happens to us after we die. 

I have been struggling since Jason died with Heaven and hell. I have turned to the Bible to find answers but it has been really tough for me. I have only confided in a few friends about it because most people don't want to touch on that subject. I'm so thankful for a pastor that does talk about it. He had a powerful sermon, about what happens to non-believers when they die, shortly after I got back from Washington. It was not a feel-good, warm your heart message; it was the truth. He spoke the words that had been in my mind for weeks and it was too much for me that I had to step out of church for a minute. I felt relief that someone else understood what I was feeling! Since then, our pastor has been talking about the "end times" and it has been very good for me to hear.

Yesterday was an eye opening day for me and a good step in my healing.

I finally got enough courage to write my sister-in-law and ask her some questions regarding my brother's religious beliefs. My brother and I weren't the type to sit down and have long heart-to-heart conversations so I wasn't sure where he stood. I "assumed" certain things but honestly I didn't really know. There are a few things that happened in the months leading up to his death that have made me think his heart was opening up to the Lord. After talking with my sister-in-law, I have a lot of hope that my suspicions of that are correct.

Another thing that happened yesterday was more of an aha moment. Since Jason died, I have had this unsettling feeling that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I want to make the most of the time I have here on earth with my loved ones. I cried thinking about my youngest daughter, Kyla, going to German Kindergarten this coming school year. She would be gone all day and it broke my heart. Many months ago (before Jason died) I am the one that consulted with teacher friends and family about whether or not we should put her in German Kinder. I was all for it. Both kids would be in school all day, I could do homework, clean and relax...all in peace! Sounded great at the time. Not anymore. I'm now signing her up for Pre-Kindergarten on our base because it is only for 3 hours a day. I want that extra time with her. In the 2014 school year, she will start American Kinder and will be gone all day; why rush her out the door any sooner then she needs to? None of us know when our time is coming and although I've always known that, I never really got it until now. I read this on a website yesterday and it all made sense to me why I've been feeling this way. 
   
  Siblings that pass away have special meaning to us. They are often close in age to us and their death may bring to mind our own mortality. Life is no longer taken for granted. Someone from our generation has passed away. If the death is unexpected, there may be loose ends in the relationship that have not been dealt with. It is common that a death of a sibling brings upon a search for meaning. We may ask ourselves if we are accomplishing the goals that we have set for ourselves.

CC BY 3.0

I have often felt stupid or that I'm overreacting for missing my brother as much as I do. I have been told to "move on, like I did when my _____ died" (yes, people say those things to others in grief!). How do I move on after losing a brother? How do I keep so busy that I "forget", when there is a constant reminder of a sibling love right in front of me, in the lives of my daughters?  For all of my childhood I was part of a 4 person family (my dad, mom, brother and myself). That was my life for many, many years. "Jason and Alethea!" rolled off the tongues of my parents just as easily as "Joslyn and Kyla!" roll off of mine. We went swimming together-A LOT, we went fishing off the dock, we had family vacations where hours were spent in the back seat of the car with my brother. He would put his finger right next to my eye and say, "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you." Yes he tortured me, he picked on me, he called me names but he was my brother and we loved each other very much.

I look at my girls; they fight, they play and they love each other so much. If one of them died tomorrow I would not expect the other to just move on and get over it. I would expect them to grieve for as long as they needed. So I'm taking advice from myself and I'm going to grieve!

Learning Through the Journey

2 months ago, today, a simple phone call from my mom forever changed my life. So much has happened in my life since my brother died and yet so much has remained the same. In these last 2 months I have seen people in different ways. Friends I considered family didn't even send condolences and people I barely knew did send condolences. I noticed many people avoided talking about Jason's death with me as I'm sure they didn't know what to say or how I would react. While others were more open and would ask questions. It has been eye opening both in a good way and a bad way to see how other's react to death. I understand that everyone grieves differently and for some that means ignoring or moving past the pain quickly. I used to be one of those people, but for some reason I can't do it this time.

I have felt silly many times that I'm "still grieving". I know it sounds dumb as it's only been 2 months but I feel like I'm dragging this on. There isn't much for grief support groups here so a few weeks ago I found a Christian based website, griefshare.org, that has been tremendous help. I get daily encouraging emails from them, I do a journal and listen to CD's I ordered from their website. It's my own support group of one but it is working very well for me. Today I read my daily email from them...

If you want to heal from grief, you must go through it; you cannot go around it. The grieving process is a healing process. Do not look at healing as a goal you can only attain at the end of the process. Each step you take is part of your healing.

"Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey," observes Dr. Tim Clinton. "It's just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives."

This is exactly what I needed to read. I need to stop comparing myself to how quickly others grieve or how I have grieved in the past and I need to stop thinking of healing as an end goal. I know I need to work through this in my own way, taking my time.

I have found great comfort in the Bible. Thanks to the emails I get and journals I do from the griefshare website, I have opened my Bible more than I ever have before. There are a few things I continue to struggle with, with Jason's death, but I'm comforted in knowing God is good. He really is. I know Jason didn't die because he was a bad person. We are ALL bad people, we ALL sin. Jason died because some how, in some way, his death brings glory to God. Wouldn't we all love to know what God's plan is and why things happen the way they do? I know I would! I also know I can't dwell on getting those answers because I'm not going to get them while I'm here on Earth. All the dwelling and obsessing over the "why's" just causes more stress, anxiety and anger. Instead I'm choosing to have faith in God. I'm choosing to believe that God is good. I'm choosing to believe that even through my tears I shed everyday, even through my broken heart, that God has a good reason for Jason's death. I choose to believe God is with me; He is wiping my tears away and He is filling my heart with hope. I can just as easily choose to think the opposite. I can choose to think the worst of God and sit around mad at Him but that is a miserable way to live. So I am choosing to give thanks to Him everyday for my life, even when I'm hurting. 

Good Grief

Saturday March 16th is quickly approaching. That will mark 1 month since my brother died. Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I have found it to be therapeutic in the past to write so I guess I'm hoping for that now. I don't want people to think I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself. This post is merely the journey of my thoughts and feelings over the last month.

Being far from family during this time is quite hard. I feel like I abandoned my parents at a time when we should really be together leaning on each other.  However, even if I was still in Spokane I wouldn't be able to grieve. You see, I realized after my last post that I have put on a hard shell/happy face for people when I'm struggling with things. After a family member read my last post she told me she didn't realize that my grandpa getting cancer hit me so hard. I realized it was because I didn't show it. How could I call up my mom or grandma and cry with them when they were struggling themselves? It just didn't feel right. So I cried to Josh, once, (over the phone as he was deployed) and didn't talk about it much after that. Not because I didn't care but because I didn't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I've become pretty good at that over the years.

The first 2 weeks after Jason died, I fell apart. Being in Spokane was very hard. I was emotionally drained, adjusting to a 9 hour time change, and planning and making decisions I never thought I would have to do at my age, let alone for my 34 yr old brother. I was able to push a lot of my feelings to the side as I tried to make clear headed decisions for my family who wasn't in a clear state of mind. Many times I felt silly being upset. When sitting in a room with parents who have lost their son, a wife who lost her husband and a son who lost his dad, I felt insignificant and not worthy of crying like they did. After all, I'm just a sister.

I had many, many breakdowns during my time in Washington. Most came quietly in the shower by myself and others came out in the open when I could not hold it in anymore. Even today, almost 1 month after his death, I find myself having many breakdowns. Just yesterday I was driving in my car and Nirvana came on the radio (yes Nirvana was on the radio in Germany!) and I bawled. I remembered, when we were younger, he would blast Nirvana in his bedroom while I "acted" like I hated them but really I didn't; I can probably sing every one of their songs! Some days I have a hard time walking by my bookcase which has a picture my sister-in-law, Kindra, gave me. It's the last picture my brother and I took together before I moved to Germany. She said there was 1 framed picture in their house and it was that one. She gave it to me, frame and all. Jason told her that he rarely got to see me and it was a good picture of us so he wanted it somewhere he would always see it. It was on top of their TV. I know that even though I was just a sister, I was very much loved by my brother. I hope he knows how much I loved him too.

I find myself consumed in thinking of Jason. I rarely talked to my brother on the phone and while I thought of him often, it was no where near how much I think of him now. I finally told Josh I knew something wasn't right, I didn't feel right. It took just a few clicks on the Hospice of Spokane website to see that my feelings were normal and in fact I'm grieving...phew what a relief! I have realized grieving doesn't come one-size-fits-all. Everyone has their own way to grieve and in their own time. I have also learned that the way you grieve can change with each situation. Grieving isn't new for me. I've grieved a few times in my life before but never like I am now. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with all these crazy feelings but I will get there. I'm seeking out help and one day I will find my new normal.

In the meantime, I hope my family (especially Josh) and friends are patient with me. Most days I don't feel right or normal. I know I'm watching TV or talking with friends or playing with my girls but honestly I feel like I'm not there. My mind is somewhere else. Many days it takes all I have to put on a happy face when I bump into a neighbor. I'm trying to be normal and do normal things. Since being back in Germany I've continued with school, attended birthday parties for the kids and will continue going to church. Honestly, I'd rather just stay home and not talk to anyone; but I know how unhealthy that would be.

So when I'm not myself and acting strange, just know it's not you, it's me. I have some stuff to work through and get figured out before I can move on. Despite what many people think, I am NOT mad at God. Not even a tiny bit! I appreciate all my friends and family quoting bible verses and praying for me, it does give me strength. While I may not be relying on God as much as I should right now, I'm getting there....I might be slow as a snail but I'm getting there! I'm learning to be patient with my grieving, it will get better.


The last picture of Jason and I. Taken June 2012. 

2012 Where Did You Go?

We are 3 days into the New Year and I have done a lot of reflecting back on 2012. Originally I was going to blog about my reflections of last year but then thought a blog about how awesome Christmas time in Germany is would be better. Well, I changed my mind as I feel pushed to share my thoughts on 2012. Next week I will likely write about Christmas in Germany though, because it's pretty great.

Before talking about 2012, I feel it necessary to quickly look back on 2011. 2011 was a very hard year on many levels. Josh left on Mother's Day for his 7 deployment and was gone for 6 months. In the beginning of 2011 I started to feel confident in my faith and really liked how things were going in my Christian life. Well not too long after Josh left my Grandpa, extremely healthy never-smoked-in-his-life Grandpa, got lung cancer. Definitely hit the whole family hard. To see a man who never even got the flu be hit hard with something so serious as cancer was a hard thing to wrap our minds around. Just a few weeks after his diagnosis another blow to my faith happened. A family close to me, very suddenly lost their baby after a very healthy, full term pregnancy-something you only think happens in 3rd world countries where OB care is nonexistent. Needless to say my faith was rocked and God and I were not on good terms. 2011 proved to be the year that I questioned the good of God. I won't go into long stories about either situation as they are not my "stories" to tell but rather give a quick summary of a realization I had later on in 2011. During an Alpha class I was attending (I highly recommend anyone questioning the Christian faith to look into the Alpha course) a question was posed on how we know we believe in God. My answer came rather quickly.When those things happened to my Grandpa and to my friend I immediately started talking to God..not necessarily nice things either. But I realized that if I didn't believe in God, I would have never been mad at Him or hurt by Him. On Christmas I don't get mad at Santa when he doesn't bring me a present, because I know Santa isn't real. So if I didn't truly believe in God, I would have never been mad at him..you can't be mad at someone you don't believe in. After realizing that I knew I was going to have a relationship with God again, it was just going to take time. I had not given up on Him and I wasn't going to. So 2012 was my year of working on my relationship and trust in God.

2 major things and many minor things happened to me in 2012. I will touch on the 2 major things as they are both acts from God and I feel compelled to share them.

As some of you know Joslyn had suffered for almost 2 1/2 yrs from something called Encopresis. I will try my best to save the gory details of it but still need to explain it a bit. Encopresis is basically chronic constipation that results in soiling of the pants in kids that are potty trained. When Joslyn was 4 she had been potty trained for over 2 years but out of the blue had soiling in her pants. This continued for many years getting extremely bad towards the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012. Treatment for Encopresis went from occasional colon cleanses to doing them 2-4 times a month! These treatments are something adults would cringe at and our 4,5,6 and almost 7 year old was doing them almost every weekend and missing out on so much of her childhood as she was confined to a bathroom for days. We were seeing her doctor a couple times a month and she even had to be referred to a Psychologist because of the long term damage Encopresis can have on children emotionally. Thankfully God gave us the most understanding tough-cookie of a daughter and the Psychologist was not concerned that she was affected emotionally by this! Physically though, Joslyn went from being one of the tallest kids in pre-k to slowly growing over the next couple years. Although she was healthy looking we just knew she wasn't growing at the rate she was before. We were getting hand me downs from friends whose kids were younger then her!

In February 2012 I was chatting with my good friend, Ari-Amber. I was expressing my frustrations with failed treatments for Joslyn and how it was getting worse and worse. Ari mentioned having our intercessory prayer team at church pray over Joslyn. Immediately I said no. I have trust in doctors and the medical field...we didn't need prayers, we needed modern day medicine (I'm totally kicking myself for ever thinking that!!). I really didn't see how going into a room, praying over Joslyn and bawling my eyes out would help her. Ari being the amazing person she is, never told me how stupid I sounded and just said if I changed my mind she would be happy to go into the room with us. I told Josh Ari's suggestion later that night and he thought it was a good idea. The next day was Sunday and I was outnumbered, so into the room we went with Ari, Josh, Joslyn and myself. 2 people Josh and I knew and trusted, Mike and Tonia Webb, anointed Joslyn with oil and prayed over here. I actually don't know what they said because I was praying so hard in my head for God to heal her and make her better. Later Tonia had told me that during their prayer she kept feeling/hearing "wheat".

Just 3 days later our prayers were answered (now God doesn't always work that fast but He did this time). It was Wednesday evening, Joslyn's GI doctor called and said we needed to see him first thing in the morning to go over test results that were taken a week before. Nope, not waiting till the morning...tell me now!!! So he told us she has celiac disease-makes sense why Tonia kept feeling/hearing "wheat". Most of you know all about this thanks to my endless facebook posts or from hearing about it first hand from me so I won't go into detail about it. There were other appointments we had to do before having her go gluten free (GF). In April 2012 we were given the OK to start the GF diet and since then she has not had a single problem with Encopresis (celiac disease caused the Encopresis). Just weeks after going GF she sprouted up in length and gained weight...she is continuing to grow rapidly but is very healthy.

I believe with all my heart this was God's work in her diagnosis. I know some people believe that the blood test was already taken and her results would have been positive for celiac regardless of praying over her. I completely disagree and say God did it. Statistically her test should have been negative. Most celiacs are diagnosed after 7-11 yrs of suffering (not 2 1/2 yrs) and are diagnosed much later in life (not at age 7). So she had everything stacked against her and yet her test came back positive. For that I give thanks to my Lord and my only regret is that we didn't go into that room and pray sooner. God is more powerful then any smarty-pants doctor or fancy medicine!

My last highlight of 2012 was our move to Germany! When we got orders to Germany (OK we actually got orders to Muscat, Oman first, then it was Germany, then it was Oman again and finally Josh picked Germany!) I was excited and nervous. I don't like change and I'm not a traveler and have never had any desire to see anything except Graceland!! So I knew the only way I could make it in Germany for 3 yrs was to pray A LOT to God. I prayed for acceptance in the move with open arms and an open heart. I also prayed and continue to pray that He help my family with me being so far away.

I can't tell you how many friends and family members have said to me, "Wow, Alethea, I can't believe you are doing so well over there. I can't believe you look so happy in pictures and sound so happy on the phone. I can't believe you are doing so much and seeing so much in Europe. This is NOT the Alethea I know." And those statements are correct! I'm not the same person because I asked God to help change me. I knew I couldn't survive living in Germany without help from God. I put my trust and faith in Him for this move and He has come through! I still struggle being away from family and friends but I also have a freeing feeling that I'm alright here, this is where I am meant to be right now in my life.

If you have actually read this whole thing...thank you! I also hope that if you are one of my friends and family that struggle with your faith, that you can take a look at how much I have changed and I hope that you will see that anything is possible when you give yourself up to God. I am still a work in progress and always will be. But I love that I have my Heavenly Father always on side and always quick to forgive when I do fail. I have found that having a church family surrounded by Christians is what helps me. There is something so wonderful about having friends that are always there to listen, not judge and pray for you when you feel knocked down. A big thank you to my girls back home who have been called upon so many times this last year for prayers, guidance and support. Jill, Ari, Lindsey, Brandi, Cathy, Jen and Nikke...I can't tell you how much you have helped me and you will always be a huge part of my 2012 :) Love you ladies!

Where's My Press 2 for English?

I can't believe I'm finding time to blog again! It's been quite a few weeks since my last one and I have been meaning to write but there was always something else that kept coming up. After Josh and I went to dinner last night and were greeted by our waiter in English, I just knew I needed to find time to write this.

Living here in Germany has been quite an eye opening experience for me. I have never felt unwanted walking into a restaurant or store or been given looks like I have got here. Yes some days I just want to scream to the locals, "I'm a good person, I mean no harm! I just want to eat a darn schnitzel...now stop staring at me and please help me translate this menu!!!!!" But instead I just ignore them (unless I'm feeling very ornery then I give them a HUGE American smile for no reason...I know real childish but I feel good for 1.5 seconds). After many experiences of not feeling welcome and just feeling awkward in general being in a country I don't understand, I had some reflection to do. Well guess what...I'm no better then the Germans that make me feel uncomfortable, no better then the ones who glare at me and no better then the ones who are secretly telling me to leave their country. Yep, I have done that too, in the US.

Now I'm not proud of that realization and it really makes me sad to think I have been so judgmental to strangers. I will admit, not proudly, that I have been annoyed many times that we have to sit through multiple language options when calling the phone company or self conscious and mad when a group of people are around me talking in another language or annoyed when the person in front of me clearly doesn't speak English and is trying to ask a question to a person who clearly doesn't speak their language...yes I have thought in my head, "If you are going to live in this country you should know the language." I know people have their own viewpoints on this subject and I'm not going to bash anyone's thoughts but I'm just going to explain how my view has changed on this. Who knows maybe it will give you a new perspective as well.

I used to be real quick to judge someone who wasn't from America. "Oh they must be here illegally" or "They have lived here for 50 years and still don't know English..grrr". But really I don't know a thing about them. Yes there are plenty of people living in the US illegally and plenty who have lived there for 50 years and still can't speak English but it's not everyone. There are plenty of "Alethea's" in America. Plenty of people legally living in the US that for whatever reason didn't learn English before they moved or they only know a little bit but once they are face to face with an American they freeze or maybe they are working really hard on learning English but they are struggling. Josh and I had a first hand experience the other night with how hard English is to learn. We had to explain to Joslyn how come 'said' and 'paid' are pronounced so differently. YIKES!!! I am so, so, so, so, so thankful for teachers...you guys are all awesome and WAY underpaid! Thank you teachers for all you do!

OK so back to my thoughts. We love living in Germany, I mean REALLY love living in Germany but it's tough when you don't know the language or the culture. Granted I had a couple months before we moved that I could have learned German but I didn't. Why? Because I felt it was more important to hang out with my friends before moving. Lame excuse, I know. So now I sit in Germany struggling. I've come pretty far and can recognize some words, say some words but not even close to putting a full sentence together without sounding...well, American. We have been quite fortunate that many Germans speak English and are incredibly helpful when we ask for help. But we have a long way to go. I remember when living in Puyallup we had a really bad winter one year and there were people that got seriously hurt from putting their BBQ grills's inside their house and turning on the propane tanks to keep warm. So volunteers went door to door in those communities and handed out fliers in their language explaining how unsafe that was because they couldn't read the English warning labels/instructions. Oh boy do I understand that feeling! I get worried that there will be an announcement on the radio or a flyer in our mail that says to stay inside your house because if you step outside you will die and guess who will not be able to read it and will be the first to step outside and who will be the first one to die? Yes that is a far fetched scenario but you get my point. So I'm thankful that those volunteers handed out fliers to those families and saved lives! WAY TO GO USA!!!

We moved into our apartment on base about 6 weeks ago. We don't have many options for internet or phone here. One company would take weeks and weeks to come out, are expensive and have a bad reputation but everything is in English (your billing statement, instructions, etc). Our other option was a company that is cheaper, good rep and could be out to our place in 2 weeks but it's in German. Well I'm all about saving money and I have an electronically smart husband so we went with the cheap company. So 2 weeks later Josh started hooking up our DSL (yep that is as fast as it gets on our base!) and it took him forever because everything is set up in German! He had his laptop set up with google translate and was typing up the instructions on his laptop and waiting for the translation in English so he could set everything up for our desktop...it took 5 times as long...but it's cheaper! At one point Josh needed to call the company. He dialed, listened for a bit and hung up the phone and said he had no idea what the recording said. My immediate response was, "They didn't have a press 2 for English option?" Nope they sure didn't. It wasn't that big of a deal as he just had to drive to the actual store and talk with them in person (they are super nice and have English speaking employees) but it sure would have been easier to just have an English option :)

With all that blubbering I guess what I'm getting at is, don't judge someone just because they aren't American and speak English. When we go to a restaurant (like last night) that has a menu in English or we are greeted in English or can communicate in English we just want to hug them and thank the restaurant for making our day! *To my Stuttgart friends-Auld Rogue, an Irish Pub, on Hautpstrasse is amazing*  We can breathe a sigh of relief when we are handed an English menu or when the waiter or cook speaks English and we don't have to whip out our translator/translator cards to figure out if the sauce, meat, fries, etc are celiac friendly for Joslyn's safety. It's just a nice feeling to feel welcome.

So the next time you are around a group of people talking in a different language, don't assume they are talking about you or trying to annoy you on purpose. They are just excited and happy to be in company of people who understand them! When we visited the Hohenzollern Castle a couple months ago, we were standing in line to get tickets and a woman, her husband and kids looked at us and said, "We are American too." I wanted to cry, hug them and keep them in my pocket so I always had another American family with me :) So we all just stood around yakking away, laughing and just enjoying each others company while being surrounded by Germans who were clearly not enjoying our annoying American accents!

Or the next time you have to call a company and you get annoyed that there are other language options, just remember that at some point there will be a 31 year old mom, who is living in America because her husbands job moved them, who will want to cry when she hears the "press 2 for..." option. That little recording will make her day, it will make her feel closer to her real home and it will make her realize that America is a nice, welcoming country.

Please don't get me wrong, I do not feel like Germany needs to have English menus, recordings, etc. I do not expect Germany to cater to us Americans and I don't feel like I deserve it at all. In fact Germany has been a pretty easy transition as they do offer so many options for Americans and for the English speaking public. I just realized how much I love Germany for doing those little things yet while living in America those little things were annoyances. I just didn't understand before but now I do.

I've said it before and I will say it again. I know God is working on me here. He is bringing my weaknesses to the surface so I can work on them and ultimately be a better reflection of Him. I don't know what His plan is for me for the next 3 years or what is in store for me back in the states but I do know that I will leave Germany with a much different, much more open mind then I had before.

Things That Make You Go Hmm: Germany Edition

This will be a quick post about things that have made me go hmm. I'm sure by the time I leave in 3+ years none of this will be weird for me.

• Walking into a department store I see a guy undress to his bikini speedo undies and he tries on a pair of shorts. In the states this same guy would have been arrested for undressing near children or something crazy like that. 
•  We have yet to see a truck here (besides the ones those crazy American's bring with them). That includes out on the farm. Josh pointed out that the farmers were using vehicles similar to a Geo Tracker. Maybe one day the Germans will realize they could get a lot more accomplished with a pickup truck. 
• While shoe shopping for Joslyn I noticed it is very hard to find shoes with laces. Joslyn is in a size 13 shoe and they all had velcro. I checked bigger youth sizes as well...but still velcro was on size 1,2,3 and so on on youth sizes. I guess my question is, when do Germans teach their kids to tie shoelaces?? I saw a size 3 youth Nike running shoe with velcro!!  
• At a nice restaurant the girls shared a piece of minced meat and white rice...which came with a packet of ketchup. Josh and I got "red rice"...rice with tomato paste in it. 
• After dinner was finished and the bill was paid the girls got suckers and Josh and I got a shot of something (Schnapp of some kind). Nothing like a shot before you get in your car! Funny seen how Germany  has strict laws on drinking and driving..hmmm. 
• Sex shops are normal here. So normal there was one in the Frankfurt Airport. They are not discreet behind blacked out windows or anything either. Their merchandise is out in the window display for all to see.
• Driving on the autobahn and looking out into the beautiful scenery we also got a eyeful of nakedness.  The Germans are fine and comfortable with nudity. They will be nude at beaches, water parks, etc. In many places the men and women even share changing rooms. They let it all hang out, no shame here! 

I will say that I love that the German's are not body conscious like we are. They don't sexualize body parts like we do in the states. I really think we could learn a lot from them and we would have less plastic surgery, less body image issues and much higher self esteem if we just accepted our bodies for what God gave us.

That's it for now but I'm sure this list will continue to grow. 

It's Been a Month

We moved to Germany a month ago. I feel like my eyes have been opened wide. Besides sharing our adventures with family and friends another goal of doing this blog was to look back months and years from now to see how far we have come. I thought 1 month into living here, would be a good time to reflect back on the craziness, strangeness and pure beauty of what I have noticed since being here.

I will start with our experiences on this base then move onto Germany itself:

I thought being on base here would be just like any other base in the US. It is in many ways. Signs are in English, you can find almost all your american food and household goods here (Lysol, Pantene, Kraft, Dove, General Mills, etc), parking spaces are bigger and parking lots are filled with SUVs and minivans and most of the people are American. Sounds like an easy transition, right? Now let's look at some of the differences we have to deal with. First we have certain items that are rationed. Want to buy coffee, cigarettes, alcohol? OK but you must hand the cashier your ration card and it shows how much you have purchased that month. I'm not sure if they allow a lot or not because those are items we don't buy (well alcohol but that's on a rare occasion). I'm not too worried about ever going over my allowed amount of any of those. Another thing rationed, gas. You have to register you vehicle and you are given a gas allowance to use in a month depending on your specific car. So our little, tiny clown car is allowed 400L a month. When our Ford Escape arrives we will likely have a bigger allowance for that vehicle. There is no sharing your ration between cars, no roll overs of unused gas...you get what you get and don't throw a fit! Speaking of gas, it's crazy expensive here! We got gas off base this weekend and we filled up our clown car and it cost almost $60...that was only for 1/2 a tank! Now we are very fortunate because gas on base cost the same as is in the states...cheap. We are also allowed to go to a specific German gas station, Esso, and fill up at the cost of base prices. So we really didn't pay $60 (we would have had we not had our Esso card). Another tidbit on gas stations on and off base...no pay at the pump. We have to walk inside to pay...UGH!! Seriously, we stepped back to 1990 when we moved here! One last difference on base but this also applies off base, there are no pennies. Sunday Joslyn took her chore money to the BX and bought a pillow that cost $9.99. She gave the cashier 2 $5 bills. The cashier said, "Your total is $10" although the register clearly said, $9.99. So Joslyn got her receipt and no penny!

Now onto our experiences in the economy (off base):

When we first got here and went off base I remember the looks people gave us (remember my story about the dirty looks I got in the ER waiting room?). Well that happens everywhere! We all stare, just admit it, we all do it. Now when we get caught staring we immediately turn our head as if we weren't staring for the last 3 minutes. Nope, not here. They don't turn their heads when they get caught staring, it turns more into a stare down. A very awkward stare down. I've tried the nod of head, little smile towards them...nothing. They continue to stare. The stare is usually accompanied by a very serious, non emotion face. Not a glare, just a plain old stare. Actually my first experience of this stare was in the airport from Seattle to Frankfurt. There was a lady who was a few rows away from us in the waiting area. She stared and stared at me and the kids. The girls weren't behaving too bad so I just figured she was a mean old lady who didn't know how to smile or anything. That was until her husband and friends sat down next to her. Then all 4 of them were chatting away and she was laughing and smiling...then she looked at us...smile is gone and stare was back. That lady's stare will always be stuck in my head but really we get those stares all the time. I am just now starting to feel better about it and realize it's not because of anything I'm doing. I am going to get those stares during my whole time here and I can't take it personal. I have talked with other military wives here and they have said the same thing. You just have to realize that is their culture and something they do (not everyone does it but a good portion do) and I will just brush it off.

We may have had some experiences with grouchy, staring people but I can also say the locals are soooo nice. When we, ok Josh, struggles ordering us food it usually ends up with everyone laughing at us and them laughing at themselves for their poor English. We went off base to a T-Mobile store to buy our cell phones. The lady was so nice and spoke excellent English, as many Germans do. Something we have seen time and time again is how they apologize for their poor English when they are practically speaking fluently! We assure them that they are doing great and we apologize for knowing very, very,very little German. Everyone we have asked help from, ordered from, etc have been so nice and that makes up for the awkward stares we get from others!

Before we moved here I had read somewhere that it is mandatory in German schools to learn English. Now I really don't know that for sure but it makes sense because most people know some English. I joke that they have to learn English because how else would they understand the music that is played on the radio and stores. Yes, that's right American music is played. Get in your car and you can hear a range of R&B, country, 70's, 80's and pop all on the same station. Then a commercial or VJ comes on and it's all in German. I read on someone else's blog awhile ago about Germany-the 80's are just as good now as they were 25 years ago! You walk into a grocery store, mall or restaurant...English. Still not sure why that is but I have yet to hear any German music.

It stinks here. Really it does. It stinks. Like poo. Walking outside you want to take cover when you walk by a sewer cover...EEWWWW! Our hotel room stinks. The sewer smells come up from the drains (no mom vinegar and baking soda did not help), its just a smell that comes and go goes here. I say it's very similar to the Aroma of Tacoma (my Washingtonians understand that smell). When driving in the car the smell will come and go as we drive along. When we smell that smell now we just say, "Germany farted."

The driving here could take up another 4 blogs so I will make it short. It's easy, it's hard, it's complicated. I think I'm getting used to most of it but I'm sure there will be many things I will never understand...like their rules for right of way at unmarked intersections. If you want to check out the differences just look at this website which is used to help study for our German license. See how good you do :) http://usareurpracticetest.com/ Speed cameras are placed in random spots around corners, hiding by trees, etc. The autobahn is crazy. A lot of it has specific speeds (not that many people follow it) and then there are the stretches of no speed limit. That's scary. As soon as the no restriction sign is posted people floor it and are flying by so fast you often wonder if it really was a car that just passed by! To ease my dad's fears about his girls on the autobahn I will say our clown car can't go real fast so I think the most Josh has done is 130-140 KM (about 75-85 MPH) and that was to pass someone. We all giggled this weekend when Josh was passed by a Smart Car!! Oh and Smart Cars are HUGE here. I like to say replace all the Prius' in Seattle with Smart Cars and that is what Germany looks like :) Mercedes Benz and BMW are very common here too. In fact the 3 taxi rides we have had were all in newer Benz's. Not too shabby for a cab!

Now onto a favorite of ours and a very popular fast food place here. Doner Kebab.

Walking around Germany you are sure to find a big selection of these stores that have hanging meat from their ceilings. They shave the meat off with a knife and it is served various ways. You can have it in a pita, by itself, on pizza and it's usually served with a salad and french fries. It is so good. Not good for you I'm sure but good none the less. To help you understand how common these fast food joints are I will give some numbers. There are roughly 13,000 McDonald's restaurants in the US (we all know how easy it is to find a Mickey D's). I couldn't find a specific number as of 2012 but in 2010 there were over 15,000 Doner Kebab restaurants in Germany. Oh did I mention that Germany is roughly the same size as the state of Montana?! Needless to say we can always find a place to eat last minute here!

I think I will end this with the beauty I have witnessed. If you are my friend on facebook then you have already seen many of our pictures of this beautiful country. I'm still in awe of it. My breath gets taken away every time we leave base and drive. There is something I love so much about the looks of the villages surrounded by all the greenery, all of Gods beautiful work is shown. When we drive somewhere we typically get lost and our GPS takes on some old back road which is what we love. This weekend during one of our detours Josh said, "It's like they build the roads around the land." It's so true and so completely opposite of what we do in the states. I'm truly amazed at the beauty of this country. I can't wait until fall when the leaves turn colors and even frost will appear. I have a feeling it will still be breathtaking.

There are still so many more experiences and eye-opening culture shocks we have witnessed. Here is a link to another military wife's blog and she puts a list of culture differences that were collected from various sources. Being here only a month and I can say that I have witnessed and agree with almost every single one of the listed items. http://lifelessonsmilitarywife.com/?p=270