Last night I received in the mail copies of my brother's
autopsy and toxicology reports. The reports came back about 8 weeks after he
died so I have known since then how he died. The reports did not show me
anything I did not already know and honestly, they were not very hard to look
at. I think I was more fascinated with how thorough the reports are. They do
not leave any detail out about the person's body, internal or external. Even
though they were not hard to read or look at, something still felt strange. I
realized it was because this was my "proof." I was not there in the
hours after my brother died to see him or hold him as my parents were. Before
his cremation, I chose not to view his body. I know very well that my brother
is dead; I did not need to see his body to know that. In fact, when my mom
called to tell me he passed immediately after hearing, "Jason is
dead" I crumbled. My whole body, mentally and physically, reacted. I knew
he was dead because I felt it. However, seeing the proof in writing really
finalized everything I already knew.
The proof of his death came just hours after sitting around
my kitchen table and talking with 3 other families about my journey to Christ.
I was not raised in the church and really only knew a tiny bit about God as a
child. My Grandpa Dick and Grandma Betty have always been the consistent
Christian figure in my life. Leading just by example, they showed me a life and
marriage led by Christ. Neither of them ever scolded me or told me that I was
living the wrong way or that I was going to hell. Instead, they planted the
seed in my heart and let God handle the rest. I have said that I always knew
and believed that Jesus was my Lord and Savior; it just took me up until a few
years ago to follow the voice in my heart and to follow Christ. I do not need
proof of Jesus because the proof is in my life. I do not need to physically see
Him because I feel Him, just as I knew my brother was dead without having to
physically see him. What I am most happy about is that my hardcore, physical
proof of Jesus will come one day. That day will finalize everything I have
always known. Oh what a day that will be when I stand face-to-face with my
Father!
*Side note: When I asked my sister-in-law about how my brother felt about God,
she replied, "He always believed." I truly believe that same seed was
planted into my brother and there are quite a few other things leading up to
his death that make me believe he was starting to listen to his heart.*
