Today is National Grief Awareness Day. It's a day to raise awareness of grief and to not hide from it. It's a day to show others that they aren't alone and that it is OK to grieve, even if society says it's not. I debated back and forth about writing something today. I've already wrote a few blogs on my grief and what has and hasn't helped me since my brother, Jason, died. I'm an open book about my feelings in writing and in person. I never shy away from talking about my brother and I always welcome (and really appreciate) when people ask how I'm doing and especially when they ask about Jason. Due to my openness, I wasn't really sure what I could bring attention to on this day. After weeks of thinking about it, something kept popping back into my head. I could share my story. Not my story of dealing with grief but my story of why I'm grieving. That would make this the story about Jason and Alethea.
Something that is encouraged to help during grief is taking a loss history. Basically what that means is you need to think about what you have lost from your loved one dying. After all, those are the things we grieve. Those are things that keep us up late night, those are the things that can't get us out of bed in the morning and those are the things we are haunted by in the middle of the night. Those are things that are specific only to the person grieving and the person gone. I started taking a loss history shortly after his death and have continued to add more things as I work through my grief.
When you are a sibling, they play such a huge part of your life. There are so many memories shared, laughter shared and of course the inevitable sibling fighting. I just read this recently on www.compassionatefriends.org and it gave me a stepping stone for this blog.
This picture shows the beginning of our relationship. Any sibling or parent with multiple children all have a picture like this. Big sibling holding baby sibling. I don't remember this time in my life but from what I've been told Jason was a pretty good brother to his little sister :)
You know those moments in life that something happens with another person that you just can't forget? Something that changed the way you thought or maybe it was just something so great that you will never forget, even if the other person does? Well, I want to share one of my moments. It's something I have never shared with anyone before, never even told my brother what it meant to me. I debated even writing it because it is a very special memory to me. However, I am sharing it because it will show a big step in the relationship I had with Jason and that is what this blog is about.
My family spent a lot of my childhood at a lake in WA. My parents had a little trailer there that we used during the summer. It was just feet away from the lake and a fishing/boat dock. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I spent in that lake swimming. Like most siblings when you go on vacations or spend weekends together as a family, you are left being "friends" with your sibling. Although we got to bring out other friends to the lake, most of the time Jason and I were left to play with each other. Thankfully he loved to swim as much as I did. There was a small shallow end to the lake and then it dipped down to a deep end. There was a dock that went out onto the lake and it sat on top of that dip. There was a gap under the dock with maybe 6-10 inches of space above the water and before you hit the dock with the top of your head. Jason would swim underwater and then "trap" himself under the dock. There were slates in the wood so you could see out. I was scared to go under it because you had to swim down in the water and then make your way under the dock. You couldn't see clearly what you were doing and although I was a great swimmer, it seemed too dangerous for me (I have always been a scaredy cat).
I'm not sure how old I was but I'm guessing I was about 7 or so. Jason had already gone under the dock and he was talking to me through the slates, as I waded in the water. He kept urging me to come under with him but I kept telling him I was scared and couldn't do it. I could only see a bit of his eyes but he looked right at me and told me that I would be fine because he was there. That was all I needed to hear and under the dock I went! I have remembered that moment all these years because I realized at that moment that I trusted my brother with my life. I trusted the brother who annoyed me, picked on me and called me names. I know if Jason was alive he probably wouldn't have remembered that moment and that is OK because that was a turning moment in my life not his. That trust I had in him never went away. After going under the dock I realized how fun it was to spy on people walking above us. We would listen to other people's conversations and we would even make noises to freak them out!
Here is a picture to help understand what I was trying to describe with the dock. I asked my mom to send a picture of the dock and this was all she could find. I found it quite fitting that the picture she sent has a man in it that meant so much to my family, especially my brother. So, if you can find yourself looking past the cheesy grin of Rick (I know it's hard because he has a contagious smile) you will see some of the dock.
When I think of the present time I had with my brother, I think of my time with him as an adult. I was in my early 20's when Jason started saying, "I love you" to me (which was a pretty big deal if you knew my brother). That lasted until the last phone call I got from him just days before he died. I wasn't home but he left me a message to say he heard about Joslyn being the hospital and wanted to make sure she was OK. Like all phone calls he left with a , "Love you sis, give the girls a big hug and kiss and tell them I love them." I think he got softer as he got older and I also think he realized our relationship had changed. I wasn't out to get him, I wasn't trying to compete with him, I was just his sister and we were on the same side as one another. I know he cherished our relationship and I know he loved me very much.
I loved watching him get to know and accept Josh as his brother. I know he was very proud of Josh for his work in the military and he was at ease knowing I was taken care of. Even more I loved to see him as an uncle. I have so many memories of him with Joslyn. They definitely had a special bond and Joslyn has many memories of him. I'm very grateful for that. Kyla (or number 2 as Jason called her) always had Jason laughing and although he didn't get as much time with her, he loved her so much as well.
He was also a dad to my awesome nephew, Thurston. You want to know what Jason looked like as a kid? Look at Thurston! I see so much of my brother in him, not just in looks but also in personality. Thurston is 11 now and tries to put on a tough, macho act but as soon as one of his little cousins is around, he melts and smothers them with love...just like his daddy did. This picture shows you that even though my brother was a big guy, acted tough and put on a angry face, if you put a baby on his chest he snuggled right up.
This is my hardest section to write about. There is so much that I hoped and dreamed for, for my brother. He wasn't exactly on the "right path" all the time and I always prayed that he would find a better way to live. While it's easy to think that someone should automatically become a perfect husband, father, son, etc as soon as adulthood hits, it's really isn't the case for a lot of people. Some people don't change for many, many years but I believe that it is never too late to change your lifestyle. Never too late to make amends. Never too late to accept Jesus in your life. Never too late to become healthy. I had hope that one day Jason would have all that. That he would be free from his depression, free from his demons that haunted him, free from anger and most of all I had hope he would one day let Jesus in. The last thing being my biggest struggle with his death.
About 3 months after Jason died I wrote a blog about my feelings about Heaven and hell and my thoughts of my brother not being in Heaven. That blog opened up a lot of conversations with my family. From there I learned so much about the months leading up to Jason's death. So much about his thoughts and actions regarding God. I have peace of mind now knowing where my brother's new home is and I believe we will be reunited again. It took death but Jason is finally free from all that held him down while he was alive.
I'm saddened that my future doesn't have him in it. Joslyn and Kyla had 1 uncle and now they have none. I'm still struggling to refer to him in the past tense. I'm not sure how to answer my doctor's questions, "Do you have any siblings?" I was actually asked that 3 weeks after he died and I didn't know how to answer...I still don't.
I'm sad that when my parents die, he won't be there. You are supposed to lean on your siblings during a parent's death and share memories. I will be alone to remember our childhood memories with my parents and that is tough to think about.
This was my hardest section to write because it's a section that doesn't exist for Jason. Jason's life and story has ended. The Jason and Alethea story has come to an end. It's very hard to write that because it means I have to accept it.
Thank you all for reading this and getting a look into my life as Jason's sister. So when I'm sad and hurting, just know it's the reasons in this blog (and plenty more) that make my tears fall down. I have lost a piece of my past, present and future.
*Angie Cartwright is the founder of Grief the Unspoken and National Grief Awareness Day. Her website and facebook posts have been a huge support to me over the past 6 1/2 months. Please check out her website. http://www.griefawarenessday.com/index.html *
Something that is encouraged to help during grief is taking a loss history. Basically what that means is you need to think about what you have lost from your loved one dying. After all, those are the things we grieve. Those are things that keep us up late night, those are the things that can't get us out of bed in the morning and those are the things we are haunted by in the middle of the night. Those are things that are specific only to the person grieving and the person gone. I started taking a loss history shortly after his death and have continued to add more things as I work through my grief.
When you are a sibling, they play such a huge part of your life. There are so many memories shared, laughter shared and of course the inevitable sibling fighting. I just read this recently on www.compassionatefriends.org and it gave me a stepping stone for this blog.
When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future.
PAST
This picture shows the beginning of our relationship. Any sibling or parent with multiple children all have a picture like this. Big sibling holding baby sibling. I don't remember this time in my life but from what I've been told Jason was a pretty good brother to his little sister :)
You know those moments in life that something happens with another person that you just can't forget? Something that changed the way you thought or maybe it was just something so great that you will never forget, even if the other person does? Well, I want to share one of my moments. It's something I have never shared with anyone before, never even told my brother what it meant to me. I debated even writing it because it is a very special memory to me. However, I am sharing it because it will show a big step in the relationship I had with Jason and that is what this blog is about.
My family spent a lot of my childhood at a lake in WA. My parents had a little trailer there that we used during the summer. It was just feet away from the lake and a fishing/boat dock. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours I spent in that lake swimming. Like most siblings when you go on vacations or spend weekends together as a family, you are left being "friends" with your sibling. Although we got to bring out other friends to the lake, most of the time Jason and I were left to play with each other. Thankfully he loved to swim as much as I did. There was a small shallow end to the lake and then it dipped down to a deep end. There was a dock that went out onto the lake and it sat on top of that dip. There was a gap under the dock with maybe 6-10 inches of space above the water and before you hit the dock with the top of your head. Jason would swim underwater and then "trap" himself under the dock. There were slates in the wood so you could see out. I was scared to go under it because you had to swim down in the water and then make your way under the dock. You couldn't see clearly what you were doing and although I was a great swimmer, it seemed too dangerous for me (I have always been a scaredy cat).
I'm not sure how old I was but I'm guessing I was about 7 or so. Jason had already gone under the dock and he was talking to me through the slates, as I waded in the water. He kept urging me to come under with him but I kept telling him I was scared and couldn't do it. I could only see a bit of his eyes but he looked right at me and told me that I would be fine because he was there. That was all I needed to hear and under the dock I went! I have remembered that moment all these years because I realized at that moment that I trusted my brother with my life. I trusted the brother who annoyed me, picked on me and called me names. I know if Jason was alive he probably wouldn't have remembered that moment and that is OK because that was a turning moment in my life not his. That trust I had in him never went away. After going under the dock I realized how fun it was to spy on people walking above us. We would listen to other people's conversations and we would even make noises to freak them out!
Here is a picture to help understand what I was trying to describe with the dock. I asked my mom to send a picture of the dock and this was all she could find. I found it quite fitting that the picture she sent has a man in it that meant so much to my family, especially my brother. So, if you can find yourself looking past the cheesy grin of Rick (I know it's hard because he has a contagious smile) you will see some of the dock.
PRESENT
When I think of the present time I had with my brother, I think of my time with him as an adult. I was in my early 20's when Jason started saying, "I love you" to me (which was a pretty big deal if you knew my brother). That lasted until the last phone call I got from him just days before he died. I wasn't home but he left me a message to say he heard about Joslyn being the hospital and wanted to make sure she was OK. Like all phone calls he left with a , "Love you sis, give the girls a big hug and kiss and tell them I love them." I think he got softer as he got older and I also think he realized our relationship had changed. I wasn't out to get him, I wasn't trying to compete with him, I was just his sister and we were on the same side as one another. I know he cherished our relationship and I know he loved me very much.
I loved watching him get to know and accept Josh as his brother. I know he was very proud of Josh for his work in the military and he was at ease knowing I was taken care of. Even more I loved to see him as an uncle. I have so many memories of him with Joslyn. They definitely had a special bond and Joslyn has many memories of him. I'm very grateful for that. Kyla (or number 2 as Jason called her) always had Jason laughing and although he didn't get as much time with her, he loved her so much as well.
He was also a dad to my awesome nephew, Thurston. You want to know what Jason looked like as a kid? Look at Thurston! I see so much of my brother in him, not just in looks but also in personality. Thurston is 11 now and tries to put on a tough, macho act but as soon as one of his little cousins is around, he melts and smothers them with love...just like his daddy did. This picture shows you that even though my brother was a big guy, acted tough and put on a angry face, if you put a baby on his chest he snuggled right up.
FUTURE
About 3 months after Jason died I wrote a blog about my feelings about Heaven and hell and my thoughts of my brother not being in Heaven. That blog opened up a lot of conversations with my family. From there I learned so much about the months leading up to Jason's death. So much about his thoughts and actions regarding God. I have peace of mind now knowing where my brother's new home is and I believe we will be reunited again. It took death but Jason is finally free from all that held him down while he was alive.
I'm saddened that my future doesn't have him in it. Joslyn and Kyla had 1 uncle and now they have none. I'm still struggling to refer to him in the past tense. I'm not sure how to answer my doctor's questions, "Do you have any siblings?" I was actually asked that 3 weeks after he died and I didn't know how to answer...I still don't.
I'm sad that when my parents die, he won't be there. You are supposed to lean on your siblings during a parent's death and share memories. I will be alone to remember our childhood memories with my parents and that is tough to think about.
This was my hardest section to write because it's a section that doesn't exist for Jason. Jason's life and story has ended. The Jason and Alethea story has come to an end. It's very hard to write that because it means I have to accept it.
Thank you all for reading this and getting a look into my life as Jason's sister. So when I'm sad and hurting, just know it's the reasons in this blog (and plenty more) that make my tears fall down. I have lost a piece of my past, present and future.
