Life is Sticky

Last night at church we had South Texas Youth Ministries visit from the states. They rocked the worship music and Matt Rule shared a great message with us about life being sticky. He posed many thought provoking questions that I had quick answers to during service but since thinking about them more last night and this morning, I've realized there are some not-so-good things I'm thinking. I love and hate those moments of realization but they are the stepping stones of growth so I'm accepting them.

Matt's message was how life is full of sticky things. Things we don't like, things we don't agree with, things we don't understand but how are we going to deal with those times. Ultimately, the only way to do that is sticking with Jesus...period.

Tomorrow marks 5 months since my brother died, and my life was turned upside down. Through all my pain, tears and sadness I have never thought God was bad for taking Jason. God is good. I have been feeling pretty good that I've gotten closer and "stuck" to Jesus through my brothers death.

Matt asked if any of us were going through something "sticky" in our lives that we just can't get seem to make unsticky. I definitely have some stickiness in my life. Grieving has brought out emotions in me I didn't even know existed. I went from rarely crying to crying almost daily. My attitude is unpredictable, some days I'm really happy and social while other days I want to be a hermit in my house. In addition, I am experiencing bitterness. I say bitterness because I think it sounds better than anger, hurt and disappointment. I have realized this bitterness for many months now and I had thought it was directed towards friends, my views of what I thought a church was but as of last night I realized that my bitterness is towards God. I write that with tears in my eyes because I have believed for 5 months that God is good and I haven't been mad at him. But really I am mad. I'm not mad for the reasons you may think. I'm not mad He took my brother. I'm mad He took him when He did.

I lived in the same city as my brother, as my whole family, until 2006. Why didn't Jason die before then? My family would have been minutes away. I could have gone to my brother's place and held him and "talked to him" like my parents got to do after he died. I would have had my best friend, April, right there to cry with. Joslyn would have either not been born or would have been so young she wouldn't have had to deal with his loss like she is.

In 2006, Josh, myself and 1 1/2 yr old Joslyn moved a whole 300 miles away to Western WA. We stayed there until last July. Why didn't Jason die during our 6 years there? We had a great church family and friends outside of the church that would have been a great support system for us. I would have been a 4 1/2 hour car ride away or 1 hour plane ride away from my family. I could have been there that same day my brother died.

Instead 7 months after we moved away to Germany he died. Why? Why would God wait until I was not a part of my old church family anymore? Why would He wait until we had just started a new church a few months prior? Why would He wait until I was living in a foreign country without any solid friendships or support system in place? Why did God wait until I was at a place that it took me 2 days to reach my family plus we were on a 9 hour time difference?

I'm mad at God's timing. There was better timing in my book and I'm mad He didn't take that into account!

I expressed this concern to Josh just a few days ago and he asked me if Jason would have died a couple years ago, would I have leaned on him like I did now? My answer was a very quick. "Nope." I would have leaned on my friends and spent all my free time back home in Spokane with my parents; that is what I would have done. I know my friends would have been calling, coming over, checking up on me, bringing us dinner, etc. back at our old place. I don't have that here. I have Josh. I don't say that as a bad thing but Josh has done so much for me over the past 5 months that I feel bad for him. He is the one I cry to all the time, he is the one who took care of all our arrangements to get back home for the memorial, he has had to do things he probably never wanted to do (viewed my brother's body, answered my questions about the viewing, he has handled his ashes and so much more). I am beyond thankful for everything Josh has done and Jason's death has definitely brought us closer together. Even through all that I wish I had family and friends by me. I wish Josh could have had help during these last 5 months. He hasn't had a break from my tears, my crazy emotions and irrational thoughts. It doesn't seem fair to him either.

Through all these thoughts of mine, I have realized that my bitterness has been directed towards people and the church when it really isn't there fault. The timing of Jason's death made things challenging. It has made it very hard to connect and reach out to friends back in WA. It's now been a year since I last lived there and lives go on and friendships change. The same is true for the church. My happiness won't come from my friends, it won't come from my family, it will come from God. I have been mad at God and now that I know that, I will face it. It's never fun to face the ugliness or the ugly feelings I have but in the long run my faith will be stronger.

I'm taking the message from last night and I'm running with. What God has done in me, He wants to do through me. I can't change the timing of Jason's death so I have to let my sticky bitterness go and stick to Jesus instead. It's not going to be easy but with Jesus by my side, anything is possible.

A Century Later

I'm writing this blog to share my experience I had recently visiting a wonderful family in Switzerland that has a connection to my great-grandma. It was an amazing trip where I got see the country my great-grandma grew up in. I will be throwing out quite a few names of people so I'm making a key of them to reference back to during my blog, in case it gets too confusing. I want to mention that the stories I write are coming from the little knowledge I have and also from what I heard during my trip.

Mary----My great-grandma
Ferdinand----My great-grandpa
Betty----My grandma who is the youngest of Mary's 12 children.
Joslyn and Kyla ----My daughters.

Sepp----Mary's "boyfriend" from Switzerland.
Walti----Sepp's grandson.
Beata----Walti's wife.
Maya and Andy----Walti's daughter and son-in-law.
Lani and Kai----Maya and Andy's children.


Mary was 21 years old and her parents told her she had to leave Switzerland and move the US. She was to work and send money back to them. Mary was very upset because she had a "boyfriend", Sepp, that she cared a lot for. Her parents insisted so she told them, "Alright, but I am going to marry the first man I meet!"

Ferdinand was already living in the US but went back to Switzerland to get his girlfriend and bring her back to the US with him. Sometime on the boat a doctor pointed to Mary and told Ferdinand, "You should marry that girl, she looks like a healthy one." Walti and his family said the story they heard was that they doctor said Mary had nice teeth and that made her a healthy one. Whatever the doctor said was enough for Ferdinand to ditch his girlfriend and he went after Mary. Mary and Ferdinand married that same year!

Mary lived in the US for 50 years before she decided to visit Switzerland. At this point her children were grown and Ferdinand had died many years previously. When she arrived in Hergiswil, Switzerland she went up to the house Sepp had lived in and knocked. Sepp happened to still live there! From my understanding Sepp's wife had also passed by the time Mary had come back. I'm not sure how many trips Mary made to Switzerland after that but besides staying with relatives in another part of Switzerland, she was always welcome in Sepp's home and she spent a lot of time there with his family. Other family members of mine have visited Switzerland and they also stayed at Sepp's house. Mary was over 70 years old when she first came back to Switzerland and she is remembered for being so strong. She would go out on hikes, walk around and she didn't tire easily. It is very clear that the doctor was right, she was a healthy one!

99 years after Mary first left Switzerland, my family (myself, husband and daughters) visited Hergiswil. We were so fortunate to have my Grandma Betty reach out to Walti and Beata to start the introductions for a meeting. It is a very busy time of year for Walti and Beata but they took time out of their schedule to meet my family. First we met Walti on the morning of July 5th. He had a busy morning already planned but we were able to meet for coffee, he showed us fun things to do with the children and then took us to the house Mary used to stay at. It is no longer in his family but we stood in front of the house, took some pictures and listened to Walti talk about his memories of the house. It was surreal to be standing in front of the house my great-grandma had been to many times and in the village she knew so well. After walking around a bit, Walti invited us to his home for dinner. While we didn't want to intrude, the offer to meet his wife and other family members was just too good to pass up.

 

My family in front of the house.

Later that evening we made our way up to Walti and Beata's house. The view of Lake Lucerne and Mt. Pilatus (Mary had hiked that mountain many times in her life) was breathtaking. Walti and Beata had a very full house with Maya, Andy, Lani and Kai visiting from California. Maya's mom and grandma were also staying at Walti and Beata's house. Joslyn and Lani were about the same age and became instant friends. Kyla and Kai are both 4 and hit it off quickly as well. There were many times during the night we thought the Mary/Sepp story will continue on through Kyla/Kai. At one point Kai went in the backyard and was gone for just a couple minutes. Kyla then ran after him saying, "I'm miss Kai!" Maya said Kai isn't always very talkative but he took to Kyla right away and they were inseparable. Kyla must take after her great-great-grandma and have good teeth and is healthy :)

Amazing view from Walti and Beata's house. 

It was an amazing experience for me to be sitting around a table with people who knew my great-grandma and also to see how the Mary/Sepp story had been talked about for so many years. Just like myself, Maya also grew up hearing of the story about her great-grandpa and Mary. I'm not sure when Sepp and Mary met but Walti recalled hearing that Sepp took Mary to a town event. We related it to Prom where it was a dance or celebration type thing that you had to bring a "date" to. He asked Mary to go with him. I'm not sure when that was but we know Mary left for the US in 1914 and prior to that she was quite smitten with Sepp. That makes this story about a century old.

Back row: Alethea, Josh, Beata, Walti, Andy (Kai on his shoudlers) and Maya

Front row: Joslyn, Kyla and Lani

If Sepp was anything like his grandson,Walti, than I can see why Mary went knocking on his door after 50 years.  My family and I have been blessed by meeting such a wonderful family that took us in with open arms. They shared their home, their food and their stories. The time I spent with them will be remembered forever and I sure hope this isn't our last encounter with this amazing family.