Tomorrow will be 3 months since my brother, Jason, died. These last 3 months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, calmness, anxiety and sadness. Sometimes those around me (mainly Josh) have had to see me experience those feelings within minutes of each other! Throughout these last few months I have become obsessed with what happens to us after we die.
I have been struggling since Jason died with Heaven and hell. I have turned to the Bible to find answers but it has been really tough for me. I have only confided in a few friends about it because most people don't want to touch on that subject. I'm so thankful for a pastor that does talk about it. He had a powerful sermon, about what happens to non-believers when they die, shortly after I got back from Washington. It was not a feel-good, warm your heart message; it was the truth. He spoke the words that had been in my mind for weeks and it was too much for me that I had to step out of church for a minute. I felt relief that someone else understood what I was feeling! Since then, our pastor has been talking about the "end times" and it has been very good for me to hear.
Yesterday was an eye opening day for me and a good step in my healing.
I finally got enough courage to write my sister-in-law and ask her some questions regarding my brother's religious beliefs. My brother and I weren't the type to sit down and have long heart-to-heart conversations so I wasn't sure where he stood. I "assumed" certain things but honestly I didn't really know. There are a few things that happened in the months leading up to his death that have made me think his heart was opening up to the Lord. After talking with my sister-in-law, I have a lot of hope that my suspicions of that are correct.
Another thing that happened yesterday was more of an aha moment. Since Jason died, I have had this unsettling feeling that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I want to make the most of the time I have here on earth with my loved ones. I cried thinking about my youngest daughter, Kyla, going to German Kindergarten this coming school year. She would be gone all day and it broke my heart. Many months ago (before Jason died) I am the one that consulted with teacher friends and family about whether or not we should put her in German Kinder. I was all for it. Both kids would be in school all day, I could do homework, clean and relax...all in peace! Sounded great at the time. Not anymore. I'm now signing her up for Pre-Kindergarten on our base because it is only for 3 hours a day. I want that extra time with her. In the 2014 school year, she will start American Kinder and will be gone all day; why rush her out the door any sooner then she needs to? None of us know when our time is coming and although I've always known that, I never really got it until now. I read this on a website yesterday and it all made sense to me why I've been feeling this way.
Siblings that pass away have special meaning to us. They are often close in age to us and their death may bring to mind our own mortality. Life is no longer taken for granted. Someone from our generation has passed away. If the death is unexpected, there may be loose ends in the relationship that have not been dealt with. It is common that a death of a sibling brings upon a search for meaning. We may ask ourselves if we are accomplishing the goals that we have set for ourselves.
I have often felt stupid or that I'm overreacting for missing my brother as much as I do. I have been told to "move on, like I did when my _____ died" (yes, people say those things to others in grief!). How do I move on after losing a brother? How do I keep so busy that I "forget", when there is a constant reminder of a sibling love right in front of me, in the lives of my daughters? For all of my childhood I was part of a 4 person family (my dad, mom, brother and myself). That was my life for many, many years. "Jason and Alethea!" rolled off the tongues of my parents just as easily as "Joslyn and Kyla!" roll off of mine. We went swimming together-A LOT, we went fishing off the dock, we had family vacations where hours were spent in the back seat of the car with my brother. He would put his finger right next to my eye and say, "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you." Yes he tortured me, he picked on me, he called me names but he was my brother and we loved each other very much.
I look at my girls; they fight, they play and they love each other so much. If one of them died tomorrow I would not expect the other to just move on and get over it. I would expect them to grieve for as long as they needed. So I'm taking advice from myself and I'm going to grieve!
I have been struggling since Jason died with Heaven and hell. I have turned to the Bible to find answers but it has been really tough for me. I have only confided in a few friends about it because most people don't want to touch on that subject. I'm so thankful for a pastor that does talk about it. He had a powerful sermon, about what happens to non-believers when they die, shortly after I got back from Washington. It was not a feel-good, warm your heart message; it was the truth. He spoke the words that had been in my mind for weeks and it was too much for me that I had to step out of church for a minute. I felt relief that someone else understood what I was feeling! Since then, our pastor has been talking about the "end times" and it has been very good for me to hear.
Yesterday was an eye opening day for me and a good step in my healing.
I finally got enough courage to write my sister-in-law and ask her some questions regarding my brother's religious beliefs. My brother and I weren't the type to sit down and have long heart-to-heart conversations so I wasn't sure where he stood. I "assumed" certain things but honestly I didn't really know. There are a few things that happened in the months leading up to his death that have made me think his heart was opening up to the Lord. After talking with my sister-in-law, I have a lot of hope that my suspicions of that are correct.
Another thing that happened yesterday was more of an aha moment. Since Jason died, I have had this unsettling feeling that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I want to make the most of the time I have here on earth with my loved ones. I cried thinking about my youngest daughter, Kyla, going to German Kindergarten this coming school year. She would be gone all day and it broke my heart. Many months ago (before Jason died) I am the one that consulted with teacher friends and family about whether or not we should put her in German Kinder. I was all for it. Both kids would be in school all day, I could do homework, clean and relax...all in peace! Sounded great at the time. Not anymore. I'm now signing her up for Pre-Kindergarten on our base because it is only for 3 hours a day. I want that extra time with her. In the 2014 school year, she will start American Kinder and will be gone all day; why rush her out the door any sooner then she needs to? None of us know when our time is coming and although I've always known that, I never really got it until now. I read this on a website yesterday and it all made sense to me why I've been feeling this way.
Siblings that pass away have special meaning to us. They are often close in age to us and their death may bring to mind our own mortality. Life is no longer taken for granted. Someone from our generation has passed away. If the death is unexpected, there may be loose ends in the relationship that have not been dealt with. It is common that a death of a sibling brings upon a search for meaning. We may ask ourselves if we are accomplishing the goals that we have set for ourselves.
I look at my girls; they fight, they play and they love each other so much. If one of them died tomorrow I would not expect the other to just move on and get over it. I would expect them to grieve for as long as they needed. So I'm taking advice from myself and I'm going to grieve!
