2 months ago, today, a simple phone call from my mom forever changed my life. So much has happened in my life since my brother died and yet so much has remained the same. In these last 2 months I have seen people in different ways. Friends I considered family didn't even send condolences and people I barely knew did send condolences. I noticed many people avoided talking about Jason's death with me as I'm sure they didn't know what to say or how I would react. While others were more open and would ask questions. It has been eye opening both in a good way and a bad way to see how other's react to death. I understand that everyone grieves differently and for some that means ignoring or moving past the pain quickly. I used to be one of those people, but for some reason I can't do it this time.
I have felt silly many times that I'm "still grieving". I know it sounds dumb as it's only been 2 months but I feel like I'm dragging this on. There isn't much for grief support groups here so a few weeks ago I found a Christian based website, griefshare.org, that has been tremendous help. I get daily encouraging emails from them, I do a journal and listen to CD's I ordered from their website. It's my own support group of one but it is working very well for me. Today I read my daily email from them...
If you want to heal from grief, you must go through it; you cannot go around it. The grieving process is a healing process. Do not look at healing as a goal you can only attain at the end of the process. Each step you take is part of your healing.
"Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey," observes Dr. Tim Clinton. "It's just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives."
"Grief is a process that is better thought of as a journey," observes Dr. Tim Clinton. "It's just one foot in front of the other. It may seem that others have grieved very quickly, but those who have come through the process too fast have undone business in their lives."
This is exactly what I needed to read. I need to stop comparing myself to how quickly others grieve or how I have grieved in the past and I need to stop thinking of healing as an end goal. I know I need to work through this in my own way, taking my time.
I have found great comfort in the Bible. Thanks to the emails I get and journals I do from the griefshare website, I have opened my Bible more than I ever have before. There are a few things I continue to struggle with, with Jason's death, but I'm comforted in knowing God is good. He really is. I know Jason didn't die because he was a bad person. We are ALL bad people, we ALL sin. Jason died because some how, in some way, his death brings glory to God. Wouldn't we all love to know what God's plan is and why things happen the way they do? I know I would! I also know I can't dwell on getting those answers because I'm not going to get them while I'm here on Earth. All the dwelling and obsessing over the "why's" just causes more stress, anxiety and anger. Instead I'm choosing to have faith in God. I'm choosing to believe that God is good. I'm choosing to believe that even through my tears I shed everyday, even through my broken heart, that God has a good reason for Jason's death. I choose to believe God is with me; He is wiping my tears away and He is filling my heart with hope. I can just as easily choose to think the opposite. I can choose to think the worst of God and sit around mad at Him but that is a miserable way to live. So I am choosing to give thanks to Him everyday for my life, even when I'm hurting.
I have found great comfort in the Bible. Thanks to the emails I get and journals I do from the griefshare website, I have opened my Bible more than I ever have before. There are a few things I continue to struggle with, with Jason's death, but I'm comforted in knowing God is good. He really is. I know Jason didn't die because he was a bad person. We are ALL bad people, we ALL sin. Jason died because some how, in some way, his death brings glory to God. Wouldn't we all love to know what God's plan is and why things happen the way they do? I know I would! I also know I can't dwell on getting those answers because I'm not going to get them while I'm here on Earth. All the dwelling and obsessing over the "why's" just causes more stress, anxiety and anger. Instead I'm choosing to have faith in God. I'm choosing to believe that God is good. I'm choosing to believe that even through my tears I shed everyday, even through my broken heart, that God has a good reason for Jason's death. I choose to believe God is with me; He is wiping my tears away and He is filling my heart with hope. I can just as easily choose to think the opposite. I can choose to think the worst of God and sit around mad at Him but that is a miserable way to live. So I am choosing to give thanks to Him everyday for my life, even when I'm hurting.
