Saturday March 16th is quickly approaching. That will mark 1 month since my brother died. Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I have found it to be therapeutic in the past to write so I guess I'm hoping for that now. I don't want people to think I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself. This post is merely the journey of my thoughts and feelings over the last month.
Being far from family during this time is quite hard. I feel like I abandoned my parents at a time when we should really be together leaning on each other. However, even if I was still in Spokane I wouldn't be able to grieve. You see, I realized after my last post that I have put on a hard shell/happy face for people when I'm struggling with things. After a family member read my last post she told me she didn't realize that my grandpa getting cancer hit me so hard. I realized it was because I didn't show it. How could I call up my mom or grandma and cry with them when they were struggling themselves? It just didn't feel right. So I cried to Josh, once, (over the phone as he was deployed) and didn't talk about it much after that. Not because I didn't care but because I didn't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I've become pretty good at that over the years.
The first 2 weeks after Jason died, I fell apart. Being in Spokane was very hard. I was emotionally drained, adjusting to a 9 hour time change, and planning and making decisions I never thought I would have to do at my age, let alone for my 34 yr old brother. I was able to push a lot of my feelings to the side as I tried to make clear headed decisions for my family who wasn't in a clear state of mind. Many times I felt silly being upset. When sitting in a room with parents who have lost their son, a wife who lost her husband and a son who lost his dad, I felt insignificant and not worthy of crying like they did. After all, I'm just a sister.
I had many, many breakdowns during my time in Washington. Most came quietly in the shower by myself and others came out in the open when I could not hold it in anymore. Even today, almost 1 month after his death, I find myself having many breakdowns. Just yesterday I was driving in my car and Nirvana came on the radio (yes Nirvana was on the radio in Germany!) and I bawled. I remembered, when we were younger, he would blast Nirvana in his bedroom while I "acted" like I hated them but really I didn't; I can probably sing every one of their songs! Some days I have a hard time walking by my bookcase which has a picture my sister-in-law, Kindra, gave me. It's the last picture my brother and I took together before I moved to Germany. She said there was 1 framed picture in their house and it was that one. She gave it to me, frame and all. Jason told her that he rarely got to see me and it was a good picture of us so he wanted it somewhere he would always see it. It was on top of their TV. I know that even though I was just a sister, I was very much loved by my brother. I hope he knows how much I loved him too.
I find myself consumed in thinking of Jason. I rarely talked to my brother on the phone and while I thought of him often, it was no where near how much I think of him now. I finally told Josh I knew something wasn't right, I didn't feel right. It took just a few clicks on the Hospice of Spokane website to see that my feelings were normal and in fact I'm grieving...phew what a relief! I have realized grieving doesn't come one-size-fits-all. Everyone has their own way to grieve and in their own time. I have also learned that the way you grieve can change with each situation. Grieving isn't new for me. I've grieved a few times in my life before but never like I am now. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with all these crazy feelings but I will get there. I'm seeking out help and one day I will find my new normal.
In the meantime, I hope my family (especially Josh) and friends are patient with me. Most days I don't feel right or normal. I know I'm watching TV or talking with friends or playing with my girls but honestly I feel like I'm not there. My mind is somewhere else. Many days it takes all I have to put on a happy face when I bump into a neighbor. I'm trying to be normal and do normal things. Since being back in Germany I've continued with school, attended birthday parties for the kids and will continue going to church. Honestly, I'd rather just stay home and not talk to anyone; but I know how unhealthy that would be.
So when I'm not myself and acting strange, just know it's not you, it's me. I have some stuff to work through and get figured out before I can move on. Despite what many people think, I am NOT mad at God. Not even a tiny bit! I appreciate all my friends and family quoting bible verses and praying for me, it does give me strength. While I may not be relying on God as much as I should right now, I'm getting there....I might be slow as a snail but I'm getting there! I'm learning to be patient with my grieving, it will get better.
The last picture of Jason and I. Taken June 2012.
Being far from family during this time is quite hard. I feel like I abandoned my parents at a time when we should really be together leaning on each other. However, even if I was still in Spokane I wouldn't be able to grieve. You see, I realized after my last post that I have put on a hard shell/happy face for people when I'm struggling with things. After a family member read my last post she told me she didn't realize that my grandpa getting cancer hit me so hard. I realized it was because I didn't show it. How could I call up my mom or grandma and cry with them when they were struggling themselves? It just didn't feel right. So I cried to Josh, once, (over the phone as he was deployed) and didn't talk about it much after that. Not because I didn't care but because I didn't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I've become pretty good at that over the years.
The first 2 weeks after Jason died, I fell apart. Being in Spokane was very hard. I was emotionally drained, adjusting to a 9 hour time change, and planning and making decisions I never thought I would have to do at my age, let alone for my 34 yr old brother. I was able to push a lot of my feelings to the side as I tried to make clear headed decisions for my family who wasn't in a clear state of mind. Many times I felt silly being upset. When sitting in a room with parents who have lost their son, a wife who lost her husband and a son who lost his dad, I felt insignificant and not worthy of crying like they did. After all, I'm just a sister.
I had many, many breakdowns during my time in Washington. Most came quietly in the shower by myself and others came out in the open when I could not hold it in anymore. Even today, almost 1 month after his death, I find myself having many breakdowns. Just yesterday I was driving in my car and Nirvana came on the radio (yes Nirvana was on the radio in Germany!) and I bawled. I remembered, when we were younger, he would blast Nirvana in his bedroom while I "acted" like I hated them but really I didn't; I can probably sing every one of their songs! Some days I have a hard time walking by my bookcase which has a picture my sister-in-law, Kindra, gave me. It's the last picture my brother and I took together before I moved to Germany. She said there was 1 framed picture in their house and it was that one. She gave it to me, frame and all. Jason told her that he rarely got to see me and it was a good picture of us so he wanted it somewhere he would always see it. It was on top of their TV. I know that even though I was just a sister, I was very much loved by my brother. I hope he knows how much I loved him too.
I find myself consumed in thinking of Jason. I rarely talked to my brother on the phone and while I thought of him often, it was no where near how much I think of him now. I finally told Josh I knew something wasn't right, I didn't feel right. It took just a few clicks on the Hospice of Spokane website to see that my feelings were normal and in fact I'm grieving...phew what a relief! I have realized grieving doesn't come one-size-fits-all. Everyone has their own way to grieve and in their own time. I have also learned that the way you grieve can change with each situation. Grieving isn't new for me. I've grieved a few times in my life before but never like I am now. I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do with all these crazy feelings but I will get there. I'm seeking out help and one day I will find my new normal.
In the meantime, I hope my family (especially Josh) and friends are patient with me. Most days I don't feel right or normal. I know I'm watching TV or talking with friends or playing with my girls but honestly I feel like I'm not there. My mind is somewhere else. Many days it takes all I have to put on a happy face when I bump into a neighbor. I'm trying to be normal and do normal things. Since being back in Germany I've continued with school, attended birthday parties for the kids and will continue going to church. Honestly, I'd rather just stay home and not talk to anyone; but I know how unhealthy that would be.
The last picture of Jason and I. Taken June 2012.
